A Jump Into the Abyss of the Soul

From 2009

I am called to remember the difficult time during my separation and divorce in 2000.  On one level I was experiencing the frightening ecstasy of freedom from mental and emotional bondage, along with the guilt and shame of insisting on the tearing apart a family (which I’d sworn I’d never do), and on another level I was focused on creating a new healthy environment for myself and my three sons, who were also experiencing the divorce in their own ways.  During this turbulence, I found great solace in the rivers, the water. At that time, I had jumped into the abyss of the unknown of what our lives were going to look like without the status quo and “comfort” of married life.  Even though I knew it was the right decision, I was suddenly in the land of the unknown and the uncertain, and faced many perceived obstacles, but I had come to a Buddhist understanding of “being okay with it not being okay”.

As I stood by various rivers through this time, I watched the water flow over and under the rocks, create waterfalls and swirling pools. I watched the slow smooth even flow of water where there were fewer rocks and more open range.  It was during one of my contemplations that I realized that the water is like my soul.  The water may experience rocks and dams, and huge drop offs, however none of it affects the essence of the water.  Where there are fewer rocks and drop offs, the water appears to be peaceful and calm.  The water is still water, the rocks and turns don’t take anything away from the water, they help change it’s course and cause turbulence, increased energy and excitement.  Yet, ultimately, the water finds its way to the bigger and bigger bodies of water, eventually intermingling with itself in the ocean.  Then there is the process of evaporation, cloud forming and movement, and condensation with rain forming to fall on different parts of the Earth, for the cycle to begin again.

I had a dream last night about the ocean.  About the vastness, about the immense diversity of life and color within the sea.  Even though the details of the dream are a bit foggy, and dampened by the concrete mind at this point, I do recall the feeling of humbly being one with the ocean, infinitely, and infinitesimally.  I understood as a soul that I am a part of the ocean, and that I am the ocean.  No circumstance, or rock, can ever change that.  There is a saying in the metaphysical world about dipping into the ocean of God or Source, or All-Beingness, and it is up to each of us how much we dip in, whether it be with a teaspoon, a cup, a bucket, or even being subsumed by its entirety.  To me, this is about how much we trust and allow in our soul’s comfort and the Universal Love that is always around us in the sea of Life.

You are not a drop in the ocean.  You are the entire ocean in a drop – Rumi

The Sea of Life is an Abyss of unknowing yet absolute Knowing, and often takes an enormous amount of trust to take steps forward when we cannot see beyond each step.  I know as human beings we oscillate between this trust and knowing and wanting to be in control of events in our lives. The other distinct feeling I had in the dream was the humility in realization that we think in our little minds that we have some control over the vastness of the Universe, and can change the ocean, or the planet.  Truly our realizing and knowing, which is a bigger step than believing, that we are One with the ocean, One with the planet, and One with One-another, and we can rest peacefully in the abyss of the ocean, and flow with the Universal Love.

Further interesting to contemplate water as a great majority of each of our bodies consists of water.  This is the same water that flows in the rivers, comprises the ocean, the clouds, the rain and snow, is in the polar ice caps, in the plants and animals, and all humans, continually being recirculated throughout the Earth’s system.  The water isn’t decreased or increased, its substance is continually circulated throughout Life and the environment.

I strive for this Ocean of Knowing to be my new status quo, my comfort, as I continue this human life in these very interesting times for our planet.  And, as my own personal life is again in great flux, where it actually has been since 1999, all I can do is listen to my intuition, my guides, continue to connect with those dear to me and to take care of the vessel, express as I need to express, and take action where I am inspired to take action, while releasing the need to know, the impatience for ‘security’, and the how it’s all going to work out.  It already is working out.

Also important is to remember, as a tool, to melt the ice, the frozen emotions which lie on top of the easy flowing water.  As the frozen emotions melt, they become one with the flow, they release the energy contained within those emotions that weren’t flowing before for even greater creativity.  Water has that unique quality of being less dense in the solid state than it is in the liquid state.  Thus ice floats, covering up the warmer water underneath.  I see this often in my practice, and is easily felt in patients’ pulses.  This is the burdening of unexpressed emotions, dampening the pulse, the Life Force, within the patient.  It takes energy to hold onto the emotions, often eventually to the detriment of our physical bodies, where the free flowing energy or Qi could be used instead to help heal our bodies and our minds and to open our hearts to the Greater Love that exists.  There are many effective tools to assist in the freeing of emotions, the melting of the ice caps, when the patient becomes willing to delve into the world of emotional healing and creative expression.

Water in dreams is often construed as emotions.  So, for example, when I dreamed of huge tidal waves rolling down my street overtaking my house, it was an indication of my very overwhelming emotional world at the time.  Or, when I dreamed I was trudging through three feet of snow, then I knew I had some emotional clearing work to do around specific current circumstances through which I was making my way. We experience life as emotional beings, this is our nature.  If we melt the old frozen emotions, then we make room for new emotions to come through, and they might actually be wonderful experiences including joy, peace, and love.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of emotional healing for me, and I have, through the last decade, discovered a deeper, more joyful and peaceful me, tapped into and used my own water to see what makes me tick, what I tend to hang onto, what I’m willing to release, learned to stretch my weave of understanding and willingness to be open to greater awareness, and always with the background, and sometimes foreground, knowing that my soul is never damaged, lost, or broken through my experiences in this life.

I am going to be near the ocean again soon.  There my embodied molecules of water will meet and greet with the great vastness of the molecules of water within the ocean, saying “Oh, yes!  We remember you, and we are so excited to be together again!”

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Leonis Stefani, A Star

From 2008:

I received as a gift for my 40th birthday, a star named after me. This gift was given to me by my dad and stepmother. I remember the day it arrived in the mail. Well, not the star itself, of course, but the certificate and the map of the cosmos showing exactly where this star is precisely located. I even have coordinates. I recall thinking, “Wow, what a cool gift to have a star named after me!” Me! I was touched, and excited about it, but not sure what to do with the certificate and information on where to find this star. At the time, I kept it stored in the box in which it arrived.

In the meantime, though, I can contemplate this “stardom”. The star named after me is called “Leonis Stefani”, which is pretty nifty and appears be the Latin version of my given name.


It makes me think, though, about being an “Earthling” and the human-centrism, or Earth-centrism, or whatever it is called when we think that we on this planet are the only ones who exist and have domain over the naming of stars. And then there’s the thought that we can officially “name” a star. What if someone else from some other galaxy already has that particular star? I suppose stars can be shared, especially if the likelihood of the co-‘owners’ of the star meeting is so slim. Or perhaps, by some non-coincidence, I AM one of these other co-owners… now that’s stuff for another blog… It IS a very creative endeavor to name the stars, I suppose part of the human experience as we like to claim and name; I admire that and feel privileged in the Earth sense to have this particular one named for me. It would be fun to go visit it, and maybe I will in my astral wanderings.

This naming a star business also makes me contemplate the naming of God, and how even the thought of “limiting” God, or the vast Universe of the known and unknown, by a name strikes me. I know it’s traditional in our human experience to have labels and names for things so we have a common base with which to communicate our ideas and conceptualizations. I have listened to, and meditated with, Wayne Dyer’s “the Sound of God”, where the main *sound* is the “ahhhhhh”, the common sound in all the names of God. Allah, Yahweh, God, etc. In the meditation he goes into the space between the words, which, to me, makes the most sense. It’s very powerful, and wordless and connected.

Now, somehow on my walk I had an aha moment that connected all of these stellar ponderings with puking. Let me see if I can get it back.

Maybe it will help if I go back to where throwing up has recently become significant. It was in early December as I had completed my first sweat lodge. We had done five rounds, instead of the traditional four, which was quite unusual I learned later. The experience was phenomenal and very life changing. During the lodge we transcended the physical body, experienced direct connection, said and sang many prayers for healing of others, healing of self, releasing the aspects of self that no longer serve us, and in that fifth round, for healing all persecution of all forms for all religions and non-religions, for all peoples. As part of my mind was occupied with the thoughts that I was probably going to burst into flames with the heat and steam, the greater part breathed in the cooling breath of the Grandfathers, which allowed for the transcendence of the physical discomfort. After several hours of these rounds of ceremony and prayer, we were finally allowed out of the lodge, to dress in the darkness and the cold. This was a very difficult endeavor for me, as I groped for my clothing in the dark. I was suddenly overcome with an intense pain in my abdomen and the urge to vomit. I was quite surprised. I had survived the lodge, and now all I wanted to do was throw up.

Well, I didn’t. I hate throwing up more than almost anything. I recall throwing up at age three when I had the chicken pox, and it terrified me so much that I refused to vomit until I was about twenty-two years old. In a later discussion with a co-lodger, she enlightened me about the fears that children have when they lose bodily substance, that it’s as if they are giving up a part of themselves. When I heard this I realized that the best thing I could have done was to go ahead and throw up (instead of pushing on all of the acupuncture points I knew that might help – and they did!), thus releasing the parts of myself that I had prayed to release in the sweat lodge. I know they are still released, but through different means than the vomiting and it has probably taken a bit longer than it would have and has prolonged the discomfort than had I just been all right with throwing up then and there.

Vomiting is a way of releasing toxins from our body, and I fully correlate that need that evening in Santa Fe as a release of the toxins, both physical and emotional, and probably mental, that no longer served me.  I was very unwilling to do it in that manner.  Throwing up is not very “star-like” behavior, however I see clearly now that it was a means of more directly connecting to the star and the vastness of my being, the transcendence of this physical vessel, the continuation of what the lodge was used to heal that afternoon.  It’s okay, because I know I have been purging these things anyway, because it is my path to learn to transcend and ascend, and find compassion for all beings, including myself.

Leonis Stefani, the Crowned Lion.  The Brave Lyonhearted, the Stephanie Lyon.  Pretty powerful however it’s spelled or said.  Each day may I embrace this power even more, and more fully follow my Divine Path with always greater understanding and love.

Council of Twelve

An Experience in Spring of 2009
In a dream, I become aware of Seven, then quickly, Twelve Beings.  They are sitting, no, not sitting because these beings do not sit, they are in a circle, and are very clearly communicating about my soul and my life.  They discuss in great detail the paths I have taken since the year 2000 following the year prior’s choice to live.  

1999-2000:  I was given a clear message one day near the end of an unhappy marriage; actually the beginning of the end.  For years I had tried to escape the marriage through various means and one day I was doing something relatively mundane, like reading the newspaper, and suddenly a vision of my then husband appeared before me.  He was a couple of feet in front of me with his arm and hand outstretched toward me.  The end of his hand was a group of large tentacles and to my amazement I was seeing and feeling these tentacles deeply embedded in my left chest, above my breast. I was very aware and could see that he was taking the energy from my body. I was also aware that I was fully allowing it. From behind my right ear I heard a very distinct voice tell me that I have a choice to make.  I could leave this scenario in one of two ways.  One option was to develop breast cancer and transition out of this physical reality, and leave.   The other was to leave the relationship and create a new life for myself.  With this awareness, I knew somehow that I was going to leave, I just was not sure what choice I was going to make.  For me it was clearly a choice of life or death.  Death, at the time, seemed far easier than stepping out and creating a new life for awhile, and I found myself being seduced by the “easy” way out.  It took about a year to finally make the choice to live, and I left.  From that choice, my life and soul plan has been about resolving an immense amount of karma, both individual and familial, and quite possibly making a difference in the world karma by having made that choice to live and continue on a shift of soul path.   For a couple of years after I left, I would have odd moments of realization and surprise that I was still alive, as I adjusted to that new reality.  


Back to 2009: Recently, before this most recent dream with the Council of Twelve, I had been having a sense that the karma that that new soul path in 2000 set out to balance was complete, and that I was again coming upon another choice similar to the first one.  


Great discussion in the dream amongst the Twelve Beings was made about the karma healed and the progress and path of my soul since 2000, and I realized that there was also discussion amongst these Twelve Beings about where I will be of best service, whether this physical body serves my greatest purpose at this juncture, or would I be of better service in another realm and dimension.  Whilst I observed this conversation about my soul’s recent path and completion, my mind (of which they were all fully aware) was racing with all of my ego and third dimensional attachments, telepathizing as fast as I could, “Hey, I’ve just been accepted to pharmacy school, and started this great new clinic!  And, what about my children and family and friends?  I feel happy finally and want to live and observe this enormous transition on the planet!  I haven’t yet experienced the beautiful and connecting relationship I’ve worked all of these years clearing the path for.  Would you really just pluck me out, just like that?? Do I have any say in this??”  

They “heard” me just fine as they knew everything about me, and I knew that some of that was being taken into account, however what I profoundly came to understand was that my soul’s path from this moment on Earth in this human form is about what I want it to be; pure manifestation.  If it is determined that my soul will continue in this incarnate form for awhile longer, that as it does, my life is no longer about my personal or family karma, and is about putting into action my visions, my plans for service with all of the unique gifts I have brought with me.  It was also profoundly clear that there were far more important considerations than my chattering mind’s worries as to whether I am to stay or not.  Obviously before I incarnated in this form in this lifetime, I set forth a few goals, connections and junctures ahead of time as a soul embarking on this brief journey. 

Of course, I can be plucked out at any given moment, and possibly more useful in a different plane, even if I’m going to pharmacy school in August, or even if I have three wonderful boys I want to watch grow and live and mature, even if the remaining things I hold dear are gone in a moment, and even if my closest and dearest friends and family would miss my presence and light.  Why would my life be any different than anyone else’s?  If I am not fully cognizant of the outline my soul and helpers created, how am I to know consciously that I am complete?


I did not hear an answer in that dream, but I did receive the message that I have no need to “worry” about pharmacy school (I wasn’t consciously worried, but perhaps there is/was some subconscious worry), that I would have ample help from at least several of these Twelve Beings.  I mentally asked “how” and then I was shown, and through knowing, a download of information, a remembering.  They showed me this with great joy and laughter.  I felt that was pretty cool.  I once had a dream many years ago that as I placed my hand on a book that all of the knowledge within that book became known to me, and this vision was a lot like that.


The dream stuck with me for a few days, and I knew I was to write about it, possibly for further clarity, but also to document these messages.  On a personality level I was not too excited about the possibility that my human life might be over soon, and what does that mean for those around me, including logistics.  I figure since I wasn’t zapped out right away that I am meant to stay for a bit.  I was also profoundly struck with the message that I am here to love, love, love, in every moment, and to show love, express love, and essentially to love and it is through this love that all will manifest.

In one deep meditation in the months after this experience, I was aware that my soul was “negotiating” the kind of death I would experience.  One where I’d have ample time to put my affairs in order, and to say my temporary goodbyes and relay as much of my understanding of the process as I could to those who were interested.  I also had a sense of if I were to leave the physical realm, I’d have a few months left.  It was clear the big decision hadn’t yet been made.

A few weeks after that meditation, I felt an indescribable shift, and somehow I knew that the decision had been made.  I was to stay, yet again, for now, and more fully commit my life to service and to love.  From that moment on, pretty much everything in my life shifted.  Suddenly my second husband appeared, who was so obviously the right person for me, and we both knew it immediately.  I moved, I sold my house and released so much of my stuff, my beautiful cats who assisted in my healing in those transitional years ended their lives, I got married, my children moved on to their endeavors, I began pharmacy school, and am successfully fulfilling that vision.  It is pretty much a complete paradigm shift, like a fulfillment of the intentions and dreams I worked at for over a decade.  Suddenly it was all there.  I am still in awe to be here, and to be alive, and ever so grateful for this extended opportunity to live, love and serve.  


2010/2011: Since then I have experienced a few specific death occurrences which are significant.  One is my uncle’s passing from a brain tumor, and the other is a friend’s delivery of a stillborn child.  My cousin sent an email soon after her dad passed that had two pictures attached.  They were both of my uncle with his children approximately 1.5 weeks before he passed.  Even though I had a little fear of what the pictures might show, I was elated to see all of the love in the people in the pictures and the grin of pure joy on my uncle’s face.  He was swimming in a sea of love.  I do not know how peaceful his passing was, however I can tell without a doubt that he was surrounded with and exuded the greatest love there is.  I held that memory of his pure smile in my heart as I tended to my dear friend as she awaited the day she was to knowingly deliver her stillborn child.  As I placed my hands on her beautiful round belly, I could feel no life within, only an emptiness, however I could hear the soul of this unborn nonviable child, and all it had to relay was pure joy and gratitude to my friend for this experience.  There was definitely no sadness or anger on that little (big) soul’s part, solely gratitude and love for having shared this experience with my friend.  I felt so honored to be part of that and to experience the message.  On my human personality level I have felt grief and sorrow for my friend, and it was the first time I really ever wished I could do something for someone I knew I couldn’t do, so that I could spare her the pain and horror of it on a physical and emotional level.


Also, my cousin, Jenni, and my friend, Theresa recently passed on to the greater dimensions.  I think of both of their lives and how they lived them ever so fully.  They are both inspirations for me, to take the necessary risks to live life ever more fully.  On a human level, I feel sadness that they are no longer visiting Earth to share their lights, but I know, without a doubt, that they are still in all of our hearts, as our angels and our inspirations for our own lives.


Thank you to the Council of Twelve, and my Higher Self for each day that I awaken! 

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Car Dream 2003

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Lao Tzu

A man and a woman are in a car on a mountain road in the foggy, rainy night.  He is driving, she’s in the passenger seat.  They are intently discussing a subject, either the car or the drive or something pertaining to their relationship.  The man is frustrated with either the driving or the discussion.  After several near misses on the sharp dark curves in the road, he veers off the road into a ditch. 

Morning dawns.  It’s still foggy and damp.  I am at the site, looking at the car.  The man is off in the distance, in the woods, but I am not concerned with him.   I walk around to the other side of the car to find the woman lying behind the car in a mud puddle.    I lean over and grab her under the arms and drag her over to the car.  I lift her into the rear seat.  I lean over her limp body as I struggle with the logistics of buckling her in.  I finally get her in and take a look at her.  Her dark hair was matted against her head, her face pale, her eyes dull.

 I asked , “Are you all right?”

She vaguely replied with her eyes, “You are holding my spirit inside of you.  I will be much better if you can please give me back my spirit.”

I took a huge deep breath, filling my lungs completely and put my mouth on hers and force my breath into her body.  I blow and blow, without taking a breath myself.  As I blow, I look into her eyes and watch them grow brighter and brighter.  I watched her skin fluorish with vitality.  I continue to blow and blow and blow into her mouth, without taking a breath.

I jolted awake, breathless.  “Wow, what a dream!” I thought to herself.  I lay in bed, breathing deeply,  and reflected on the images that flowed through my mind, reminders of the very recent dream.  So real, so meaningful, I realized, as I attempted to put it together.  

I get up out of bed and make my way to the bathroom to begin my morning routine.  As I look in the mirror, I ponder what I observe looking back at me.  As I stood there, I thought about the woman in the dream, and suddenly realized that the woman in the car was me!  The woman was asking for her life to be given back to her.  I have had this power to give myself life all along, but it wasn’t until she asked and really wanted life, could I provide it to myself.   With a small grin, I remarked to myself that a man dragged me into the mud puddle, but he is now inconsequential to my living my life fully, and it is up to my how I proceed.  I realized implicitly the meaning of that!  It’s up to me to drag myself out of the mud, get myself into the car, buckle in for the ride, and blow the life back into myself!  Tingling with this great message, I vowed to myself, “There’s no going back to lifeless, this life is for me to live, it’s an adventure.”

However as the days pass, I begin to doubt myself.  How am I to move into this great new life full of vitality?  I don’t know how, how can I possibly do it on my own?  I become afraid of the future and what it means to live that life I feel I was meant to live.  I knows I’m full of life and vitality and that it needs to be expressed… but how?

Tools for Living?

Written March, 2011

Three dreams I had last night stand out clear enough to remember and contemplate.

In one dream I was getting ready to play tennis again after a long time away from the game.  Some adjustments needed to be made before I could play.  Specifically, the net needed to be lowered so it would be easier for me to get the ball over it.  A lot of time was spent on retying each side of the net in three specific places to the poles that were holding the net up.  It was important to tie them in the right places just for me.  At one point I even had to use a sweater I was wearing to fully tie the net in the right place.  I was fully present with the process of putting the net in the right place for me to play tennis again.  Finally I was ready to play.  In the dream I don’t recall actually playing tennis, but a little later in a dream reflection while I was still asleep I realized that there really isn’t any need to lower a tennis net to be able to hit a ball over it.  The net is low enough, and hitting a ball over it is actually very easy.  In that dream state I was asking myself, “for what purpose was all of that preparation and work?”  I will get back to this after I relay the other dreams.

In the next dream I was walking along a paved trail with several of my family members.  The trail ran along the edge of a cemetery in which there were dozens of burials happening or waiting to happen.  Most of the dead people waiting to be buried were not in coffins, it was a gruesome scene of dead bodies and grieving and lost souls.  Our group was aware of the burials, of the death all around us, but we were not part of it, and knew that we did not need to engross ourselves in it, and we continued to walk along the path.

Dreamcatcher in darkened sky

The third dream involved an older couple that was unfamiliar to me.  They had acquired a brand new “old timey” car.  It was large and black with smooth curves.  The couple had invited me to go somewhere with them, and we spent quite a bit of time getting into the car, making sure the doors would shut and not close anyone in them.  Also, in the front hood, there were spaces to put the food that the couple was taking to their event, so it would stay warm near the engine.  We got the food situated and the woman all tucked into her seat, and finally closed the door.  This happened several times. Meanwhile the man waited semi-patiently in the driver’s seat.  He was relatively anxious to get going.  He almost took off without making sure I was in the car safely in the back seat, after I’d spent a good amount of energy to ensure they were both comfortable and enclosed properly.

If there’s a common theme with these three dreams, it seems it would be about preparation, or preparing for things/events that don’t need so much time and energy for preparation.  Why all of the unnecessary adjusting for the tennis net to play again?  Why all of the preparation to get in this new old car and go somewhere I’m not sure of with these people I don’t know?  Why is the cemetery so full of people preparing to bury their loved ones?  Why am I so involved in the tennis net and car preparation and not at all in the burial preparation?

My thoughts on this are spiritual in nature.  If we are of Spirit and that is our true nature, but we have forgotten on this earthly plane, what do we really need to do to remember we are of Spirit, and live a Spirit-filled life?  If there is an awareness of this importance, our current collective consciousness seems to need tools to get us to that understanding and remembering.  Tools are great as long as we feel we need them.  By tools, I mean anything that helps us remember or reclaim or re-experience our Oneness with Source.  This could be through meditation, acupuncture, toning, bodywork, a walk in nature, going to church, reading inspiring works, and many others.  They all have inherent personal value as stepping stones to knowing our connection.

Ultimately we don’t need any of the tools, we just need to know we are connected, we are perfect, all of our needs are met, and we are fully loved.  It seems that many people spend a lot of time, energy, and money in tools to help them re-connect.  I am certainly no stranger to using tools, for I have many at my disposal, and I use them as an acupuncturist for these purposes to help others.  I often tell patients when I first see them (if I sense they are receptive), that acupuncture is merely a tool for helping people tap into their own energy, and healing themselves.  It’s an energy training of sorts, and ultimately people can, and hopefully will, learn to heal themselves, it is not only a gift through the acupuncturist or meditation leader, or whomever is holding the tools at the moment.

At some point, tools can become crutches, or maybe even obstacles to reaching our goals.  If all of my time and energy was spent on getting the net just right to make it easier to lob the ball, what happened to simply playing the game?  The same with the car trip to the unknown with all of the energy spent making sure we’re safe and secure, we never actually went anywhere.  This reminds of when I first learned some of the tools of Science of Mind/Religious Science, mainly the use of affirmations to realign my thinking and thoughts about myself and Life and things that didn’t appear to be working well.  I spent well over a year affirming over and over in my journal the affirmations I wanted to be true in my life, specifically about being in a happy and healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship.  Three whole pages every day were devoted to realigning my thoughts with affirmations.

Over a year later, I realized that I was trapped in the affirmations, the tool, and that by affirming what I wanted to be I was also affirming what I didn’t yet have. I was holding it all in place with the affirmations.  I immediately decided I was finished writing about it, and I was ready to live it.  With conviction, I let go of the tool and the affirmations, and my life began its whirlwind journey to where I am now, living the life those early affirmations and new thoughts set forth.  In the process I learned new tools, mainly meditation, acupuncture, colorpuncture, breathing, multi-incarnational sessions, and workshops that helped with each step when I felt I needed them.

woman sitting next to tennis net holding ball and racquet

If playing tennis is a metaphor for remembering my connection to my Source, and lowering the net is an unnecessary tool to make it easier to lob the ball over or to remember that connection, all I really need to do is start playing tennis and know my connection without a doubt in every moment.  No net preparation necessary.  This, to me, means living each moment knowing I’m connected to our Source, being as present as possible and sending and receiving Divine Love all the time, and not be attached to the tools that have helped me get to this point from the past.  Their only value is what I place on them currently and what I have placed on them in the past.  If I forget my connection and lose faith or trust, I imagine the tools are still there and could be useful for remembering to the extent that I feel I need them. 

I know in this third and fourth dimensional world so much is based on the physical, the scientific, the tangible, and that physical death seems like an incredible loss.  On the personality level, it is devastating the pain and grief and worry we go through when loved ones become ill or transition suddenly from this dimension to their soul’s next level, as they/we lay our bodies aside so that our souls are free.  In our society especially, there seems to be a lot of fear and sadness around death of the physical body.  On a soul level, however, this transition is a remembering, a celebration, a re-birthing into the beauty and connection with Source, and while the personality healing experiences are necessary for emotional healing and karmic re-balancing, they are not necessary for our soul’s remembering.    It seems a strange polar world we live in, and we always have the choice where we place our focus and intention.

Constantly Life is showing us that we have a choice of how to perceive the events that occur around us, and we can choose to propagate the  karma or lift out of it and love from a different place in our hearts. From choosing a new perspective, profound events have taken place in my life which, I feel, have propelled me further along the path of choosing from a conscious soul perspective rather than a personality perspective.  I am definitely not saying that my unconscious mind doesn’t still drive me to whatever extent, it will as long as I have this human form with an ego, but my conscious intention lay in the focus of conscious soul decisions that may override the karma that my ego has created in the past.

I’ve had a few “tool-free” spontaneous enlightening experiences, but have yet to experience Life fully lived (at least this lifetime) in constant, complete and utter knowing of my connection to my Source.  My life has come to a very consistent happy place, and yet I know there is an even deeper experience than celebrating the work and manifestations of my intention. I intend to look at what tools I’ve been using lately that may be keeping me “safe” and “stuck” in my current intentions and experiments, and discern what I’m ready to release and experience more deeply into knowing my connection with All That Is and what that means for my Life currently lived.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Winds of Change and Letting Go

This applies now in 2020, at least as much as when I wrote it in 2011:

I feel somewhat unsettled as the wind is howling and the trees are swaying violently outside.   The sky is dark with gray and foreboding.  Maybe it’s stir craziness I’m experiencing from having been in bed for the last week with a strange illness that can’t seem to decide what it is, and is taking its time taking its leave.  I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I know, well, have learned, in the past, that when I get sick enough to knock me out of commission as I’ve been, my life is about to change.  It’s a cocooning of sorts, a reorganization.  I am definitely very happy with my life in this place to where it has evolved, and am open to change for even better, on whatever level.  This said, this doesn’t feel to me like a cocooning on a personal level, it definitely feels more of a stepping back from the humanity and planetary level.  After a conversation with my mother earlier today, who is also suffering from this strange malady, I realize that perhaps the Universe is telling us to take cover, lay low for a bit, perhaps…rest up.  


I can only surmise or speculate that this may have something to do with the recent solar flares, with which their Earth arrival corresponded precisely with the onset of my illness, which has been fiery, feverish, with burning pain, mainly in my throat.    During the illness, some thoughts occurred to me, in light of, in spite of, or instead of the solar flare possibility.  One thought is that on a humanity level we are being dredged for the final drudge of karma that can be elicited before we have the opportunity for Ascension, if that is where we’re headed.  My human mind has no idea, and I have no answers, all I can do is go with the flow.   Bizarre things are happening in the world, even more so than usual, it seems.  My dreams have been ultra strange during this illness, and I haven’t had the time or energy to analyze them.  I’m okay with that, as it feels they are processing and processing…something.


Meanwhile, I feel more and more disconnected from humanity, and have no interest in the chaos that humanity pours on itself.  The personal dramas, the work dramas, the political dramas… are all karma either being played out or transcended.  Somehow I see beyond the drama, directly to the soul connection, the love, and can see that there is no reason for fear.  Death is not to fear, none of what we experience in life or are about to experience is to fear.  Life would be very, very different for every individual, and thus our collective communities if all decisions were made in love, instead of fear.   This would also be a different life if Earth’s inhabitants had no fear of death.   There was a particular scene that reminded of this, in Shirley MacLain’s miniseries Out On a Limb.  I hadn’t read her book or watched the miniseries before last night, but I have read much over the past 15 years about near death experiences, out of body experiences, spiritual matters, etc., and have had plenty of direct experiences that have brought my thought process to where it resides currently.  It was interesting to watch her metamorphosis, like a butterfly, through the show.  She resisted every step of the way, it appeared, but finally came to the realization that what she was experiencing and hearing was real and she obviously took action on the information she received.  Her experiences were more real than this weird world we live in and have collectively created for ourselves.  I am very glad to be reminded of this in this entertaining manner, although our true nature is almost always on my mind. 


I’ve also been reading a very interesting book called Dreaming and the Kaballah.  The premise is that our awakened state is at least as much of a dream-time than our sleeping state.  I’m not finished reading it yet, but I am sure I will have more to contemplate on this and the implications.
The theme this week in my awareness, it seems, is letting go.  In A Course in Miracles, our lessons have been about letting go (“loose-ing”) of the world we have created.  A client of mine’s main desire was to “let go” of the stuff he was ready to release so that he could move forward into his new life.  Letting go is one of the most difficult things a person can do.  What does it take to let go of the worry?  To let go of the fear?  To let go of having to know the how, or the why, or all of the answers.  If we let go, what are we left with?  Who are we without that fear?  Who are we without that worry?  Do we feel like we have to worry about something to be doing it “right”?  Do we have to be doing everything right?  If we let go of fear, are we out of our minds?  Maybe so.  Is that such a bad place to be?  

In Chinese medicine, letting go is the action of the Large Intestine.  We take in the events life presents to us (through the Stomach/solar plexus/Liver), let it churn a bit, send it to the Small Intestine for discernment, for sorting.  Small Intestine is the energy of separating the turbid from the clear, retaining the clear, and sending the turbid to the Large Instestine for discharge, or letting go.  The clear is associated with the blessings, and what we want to keep to enrich ourselves and our lives.  The turbid is the crap that no longer serves us and we need to let go.  

The energy of the Lung is directly related to the energy of the Large Intestine.  Lung is about grief and sorrow.  If we can grieve something, then we can let it go.  Sometimes we don’t know that we need to grieve something, but our bodies will tell us. 

Picturesque scene of mountain with flowers and sunrise representing letting go
Photo by Simon Matzinger on Pexels.com


Letting go is very freeing.  When you let go, those things hold no power over you, you reclaim your own power, and can move forward in a powerful way, rather than a fearful way.  Then your energy can be directed into creative endeavors. I realize this takes a lot of trust.  Trust in yourself, trust that everything will turn out “right”.  And “right” may not be our narrow perception of what is right for our lives, for we see very little of our full paths while we are incarnate and have very little knowledge of the meanings of our encounters and experiences.   In my experience, once I realized that there is a far bigger picture than my small awareness, my prayers and intentions became more for the greatest good of all involved, and allowing those who had a far greater awareness than mine, to make it happen.  I’ve since learned that these kinds of prayers often have the most profound outcomes, as I let go of my perceived best outcome.  I am not to judge what is the best outcome for anyone, not even for myself.  I can set my intention for what I think will be a great outcome, but I will always end it with “this or better”, as I do not know the lessons that need to be learned or the greater joy that can be experienced.  It’s called surrender.  

Orange sunset on ocean representing surrender

As the winds and the storm have subsided, I feel more at peace in my heart.  I feel more connected to my spirit, and am calmer about the next moment.  Solar flares or no solar flares, lunar eclipse or no lunar eclipse, and ascension or no ascension, I know that my life is dedicated to peace and love, and sharing and serving.  Perhaps my time cocooning is helping me strengthen this connection to my Source and helping me remember the theme of surrendering to the Greater Good and allowing it to flow through me.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Dar La Luz

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

Without the darkness, there isn’t Light to compare.  It’s still duality, and our choice to live it out on this planet.  If it were all Light, then we wouldn’t know the difference.  I don’t know about you, but I often grow weary of the darkness, and the duality and am ready to see it come to a close, for the planet, for each of us.

I think of the darkness before birth, safely tucked away in our mother’s wombs, not knowing that there exists a whole other world that we were conceived and destined to enter.  There’s security in that darkness, comfort – maybe this is why we are often drawn to traditions and family during this dark time of the year.  I remember when I was pregnant with Alan my oldest son, now 32 years ago.  I was 20 years old and taking a Spanish class at UC- Boulder and driving there every day for this class from Golden.  One day we learned the Spanish verb to give birth:  Dar la luz (to give the light).  I remember going over and over it in my mind, and focussing on the light.  At that time I saw “the light” as the new baby, full of light, which I don’t think is wrong… but now I see that it could be from the idea that the baby comes from darkness into light.  I thought that this was a beautiful way to describe the amazing process of childbirth.  Weirdly and ironically, we are born into light, as light, into this strange world of darkness, duality.  Our challenge is then to remember our own lights and let them shine forth.

Granddaughter Named Grace

From 2012…

Last August I had a vivid dream in which I was holding a young baby.  I realized it was my granddaughter, and her name was Grace.  After I awakened, I pondered it a bit, wondered which beautiful son was going to produce my granddaughter, Grace.  I decided I’d keep the dream to myself and only told my husband at the time about it, and left it with, “We’ll see!”

I have dreamt many times of being pregnant or holding new babies or even giving birth.  To me, as one beyond reproduction, it has represented being pregnant with possibilities and plans, or giving birth to new adventures or ventures, and the new baby represents the beginning, the commencement of a project.

I hadn’t gone there with this dream because it was my granddaughter, not my own pregnancy, birth or baby.  I was going to be content with waiting to see which son produced my beautiful granddaughter named Grace.  I was aware that I could have many years before Grace came to fruition…

As it turns out, through a revelation I had this morning after an intense night of wild dreams, is that my granddaughter named Grace has been birthed and fully engaged in Her new life.  Since the time of the dream in August I have been truly Graced and Blessed with the connection made with my middle son’s “secret” girlfriend (as we fondly refer to her).  Through this connection, I have been able to more fully see and experience my son from a new perspective, through someone else’s eyes.  I am thrilled to no measure that they have found this love and that he appears to be thriving in it.  This brings me great joy!

Whatever becomes of this connection, I bask in this now, and fully celebrate my “granddaughter” Grace (for this is what they have created together!)  I am so grateful for these moments of knowledge.

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

Grace, indeed!  Blessings too!

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

The I Ching

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.

Alan Watts


The I Ching: The Book of Changes
 is an ancient Chinese divination system that involves 64 distinct hexagrams or archetypes which are created from the yin and yang, or feminine and masculine, dual possibility of each of the six lines that comprise each hexagram. Yin and Yang (feminine and masculine) represent the duality of the oneness of the Universe, and the interaction and mutuality of yin and yang gives meaning and information to all experiences and existence. Life is ever-changing. The interpretations of the sixty-four hexagrams describe the energy of human life divided into sixty-four types of situations, relationships or dilemmas. Each hexagram can be analyzed in a number of ways. The hexagrams is comprised of two trigrams, one upper and one lower. Each of the eight trigrams represents one of the eight fundamental elements: sky (Heaven), earth, thunder, wind, water, fire, mountain, and lake.


Each line of a hexagram is generally determined by a toss of three coins (heads and tails combinations) which add to create one of four options, yin line (unchanging), yin line (changing into yang line), yang line (unchanging) or yang line (changing into yin line).  The six lines are built from the bottom up, lines one through six. 

If there are changing lines in the throw, this represents the information needed for the individual to progress, or possible warnings, and the hexagram that results after the advice is followed or warnings heeded is the likely outcome of the reading.


I have studied the I Ching daily for over eight years, and use the wisdom and insight to understand myself better and contemplate the occurrences and life transitions.  It is not unusual for me to cast some coins for information on an upcoming event, or to gain further insight on a relationship or occurence in the past.  Recently I have added study into Human Design as well as Gene Keys to gain even further insight into my own astrology and DNA as it relates to the I Ching and the evolution of my own life.


The morning of the day my family, friends, and I were scheduled to convene for the Rogue River raft trip, I cast a reading for the 3 day raft trip.  By the time I did the reading, I was already feeling nauseous and filled with trepidation, in complete contrast to the several weeks prior where I felt much excited anticipation at seeing my dear friends and family, and the reading fully supported these new uneasy feeling.

The hexagram that was revealed that morning before the journey commenced, was hexagram 36 (Darkening of the Light), with three changing lines (numbers 2, 3, and 4) to number 54 (The Marrying Maiden). 

 Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020