A Jump Into the Abyss of the Soul

From 2009

I am called to remember the difficult time during my separation and divorce in 2000.  On one level I was experiencing the frightening ecstasy of freedom from mental and emotional bondage, along with the guilt and shame of insisting on the tearing apart a family (which I’d sworn I’d never do), and on another level I was focused on creating a new healthy environment for myself and my three sons, who were also experiencing the divorce in their own ways.  During this turbulence, I found great solace in the rivers, the water. At that time, I had jumped into the abyss of the unknown of what our lives were going to look like without the status quo and “comfort” of married life.  Even though I knew it was the right decision, I was suddenly in the land of the unknown and the uncertain, and faced many perceived obstacles, but I had come to a Buddhist understanding of “being okay with it not being okay”.

As I stood by various rivers through this time, I watched the water flow over and under the rocks, create waterfalls and swirling pools. I watched the slow smooth even flow of water where there were fewer rocks and more open range.  It was during one of my contemplations that I realized that the water is like my soul.  The water may experience rocks and dams, and huge drop offs, however none of it affects the essence of the water.  Where there are fewer rocks and drop offs, the water appears to be peaceful and calm.  The water is still water, the rocks and turns don’t take anything away from the water, they help change it’s course and cause turbulence, increased energy and excitement.  Yet, ultimately, the water finds its way to the bigger and bigger bodies of water, eventually intermingling with itself in the ocean.  Then there is the process of evaporation, cloud forming and movement, and condensation with rain forming to fall on different parts of the Earth, for the cycle to begin again.

I had a dream last night about the ocean.  About the vastness, about the immense diversity of life and color within the sea.  Even though the details of the dream are a bit foggy, and dampened by the concrete mind at this point, I do recall the feeling of humbly being one with the ocean, infinitely, and infinitesimally.  I understood as a soul that I am a part of the ocean, and that I am the ocean.  No circumstance, or rock, can ever change that.  There is a saying in the metaphysical world about dipping into the ocean of God or Source, or All-Beingness, and it is up to each of us how much we dip in, whether it be with a teaspoon, a cup, a bucket, or even being subsumed by its entirety.  To me, this is about how much we trust and allow in our soul’s comfort and the Universal Love that is always around us in the sea of Life.

You are not a drop in the ocean.  You are the entire ocean in a drop – Rumi

The Sea of Life is an Abyss of unknowing yet absolute Knowing, and often takes an enormous amount of trust to take steps forward when we cannot see beyond each step.  I know as human beings we oscillate between this trust and knowing and wanting to be in control of events in our lives. The other distinct feeling I had in the dream was the humility in realization that we think in our little minds that we have some control over the vastness of the Universe, and can change the ocean, or the planet.  Truly our realizing and knowing, which is a bigger step than believing, that we are One with the ocean, One with the planet, and One with One-another, and we can rest peacefully in the abyss of the ocean, and flow with the Universal Love.

Further interesting to contemplate water as a great majority of each of our bodies consists of water.  This is the same water that flows in the rivers, comprises the ocean, the clouds, the rain and snow, is in the polar ice caps, in the plants and animals, and all humans, continually being recirculated throughout the Earth’s system.  The water isn’t decreased or increased, its substance is continually circulated throughout Life and the environment.

I strive for this Ocean of Knowing to be my new status quo, my comfort, as I continue this human life in these very interesting times for our planet.  And, as my own personal life is again in great flux, where it actually has been since 1999, all I can do is listen to my intuition, my guides, continue to connect with those dear to me and to take care of the vessel, express as I need to express, and take action where I am inspired to take action, while releasing the need to know, the impatience for ‘security’, and the how it’s all going to work out.  It already is working out.

Also important is to remember, as a tool, to melt the ice, the frozen emotions which lie on top of the easy flowing water.  As the frozen emotions melt, they become one with the flow, they release the energy contained within those emotions that weren’t flowing before for even greater creativity.  Water has that unique quality of being less dense in the solid state than it is in the liquid state.  Thus ice floats, covering up the warmer water underneath.  I see this often in my practice, and is easily felt in patients’ pulses.  This is the burdening of unexpressed emotions, dampening the pulse, the Life Force, within the patient.  It takes energy to hold onto the emotions, often eventually to the detriment of our physical bodies, where the free flowing energy or Qi could be used instead to help heal our bodies and our minds and to open our hearts to the Greater Love that exists.  There are many effective tools to assist in the freeing of emotions, the melting of the ice caps, when the patient becomes willing to delve into the world of emotional healing and creative expression.

Water in dreams is often construed as emotions.  So, for example, when I dreamed of huge tidal waves rolling down my street overtaking my house, it was an indication of my very overwhelming emotional world at the time.  Or, when I dreamed I was trudging through three feet of snow, then I knew I had some emotional clearing work to do around specific current circumstances through which I was making my way. We experience life as emotional beings, this is our nature.  If we melt the old frozen emotions, then we make room for new emotions to come through, and they might actually be wonderful experiences including joy, peace, and love.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of emotional healing for me, and I have, through the last decade, discovered a deeper, more joyful and peaceful me, tapped into and used my own water to see what makes me tick, what I tend to hang onto, what I’m willing to release, learned to stretch my weave of understanding and willingness to be open to greater awareness, and always with the background, and sometimes foreground, knowing that my soul is never damaged, lost, or broken through my experiences in this life.

I am going to be near the ocean again soon.  There my embodied molecules of water will meet and greet with the great vastness of the molecules of water within the ocean, saying “Oh, yes!  We remember you, and we are so excited to be together again!”

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Granddaughter Named Grace

From 2012…

Last August I had a vivid dream in which I was holding a young baby.  I realized it was my granddaughter, and her name was Grace.  After I awakened, I pondered it a bit, wondered which beautiful son was going to produce my granddaughter, Grace.  I decided I’d keep the dream to myself and only told my husband at the time about it, and left it with, “We’ll see!”

I have dreamt many times of being pregnant or holding new babies or even giving birth.  To me, as one beyond reproduction, it has represented being pregnant with possibilities and plans, or giving birth to new adventures or ventures, and the new baby represents the beginning, the commencement of a project.

I hadn’t gone there with this dream because it was my granddaughter, not my own pregnancy, birth or baby.  I was going to be content with waiting to see which son produced my beautiful granddaughter named Grace.  I was aware that I could have many years before Grace came to fruition…

As it turns out, through a revelation I had this morning after an intense night of wild dreams, is that my granddaughter named Grace has been birthed and fully engaged in Her new life.  Since the time of the dream in August I have been truly Graced and Blessed with the connection made with my middle son’s “secret” girlfriend (as we fondly refer to her).  Through this connection, I have been able to more fully see and experience my son from a new perspective, through someone else’s eyes.  I am thrilled to no measure that they have found this love and that he appears to be thriving in it.  This brings me great joy!

Whatever becomes of this connection, I bask in this now, and fully celebrate my “granddaughter” Grace (for this is what they have created together!)  I am so grateful for these moments of knowledge.

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

Grace, indeed!  Blessings too!

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

8-8 Lion’s Gate

Dream 8-8-2019: Very brief dream, a beautiful man with very short medium-colored hair approached and brought his very familiar essence and face toward mine. As he leaned his forehead against mine I knew without a doubt, he knew me inside and out, my soul, my being, and vice versa. We connected through our eyes and our entire beings as he relayed his message to me through our minds…

“I’m coming soon”.

Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.

Lao Tzu

Lair O’ the Bear Park Encounter 8-8-08 at 8:08:08am

I was compelled to hike one of my favorite trails not far out of the city boundaries. I’ve hiked this gentle river-side trail for years since I’d inadvertently and delightfully rediscovered it on my middle son’s first grade field trip in 1996.

Years prior, as a 7 year old child myself, visting my dad in the Denver area from Washington state where I lived with my mother and brother. I’d been on a company picnic with my father and my brother at Little Park, an adjunct to Lair O’ the Bear. It was a very nice memory, including winning the 3-legged race with my head-shorter brother, and as we exited the park up toward the street I remember gazing through the rearview window as the pleasant scene disappeared with the old watering hole building etched on my memory. After my mother moved us to Colorado in 1976, I continually searched for that park. It took me 20 years to find it again!

Once rediscovered, Lair O’ the Bear became my “go to” hike for those many years, in every season, every type of weather, so it was a natural place to want to be on 8-8-08 at 8:08am. I was not aware of the astrological “Lion’s Gate” significance at that time. I parked the car in the lot at the Little Park entrance at 8am, and began my walking journey toward Lair O’ the Bear park. Eight minutes later I turned a corner and came face to face with a big beautiful buck with large dark eyes, piercing straight to my soul. We held our gaze for several minutes and he transmited his gentle energy, which was soothing. It felt I could stand there forever in this buck’s gaze. Finally I thanked him for his presence asked him if he’d let me by to continue my hike. He hopped off the trail a few feet and turned toward it and watched me walk by.

Later, as I was returning along the same path back to my car, I came to the same location where I’d encountered the buck, and instead there was a doe and three more young deer on the path. They quickly cleared the way for me to pass.

(Deer Totem By Elena Harris at https://www.spiritanimal.info/deer-spirit-animal/)

“The meanings associated with the deer combine both (feminine) soft, gentle qualities with (masculine) strength and determination:

  • Gentleness
  • Ability to move through life and obstacles with grace
  • Being in touch with inner child, innocence
  • Being sensitive and intuitive
  • Vigilance, ability to change directions quickly
  • Magical ability to regenerate, being in touch with life’s mysteries”

By 2008 I had learned much about myself through healing relationship with myself, with others, with my inner child, with a greater ability to move through life with Grace, becoming more and more intuitive and balanced with my own feminine and masculine energies, all in the hope, focus and goal of meeting my next partner after my first divorce in 2000.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020