A Jump Into the Abyss of the Soul

From 2009

I am called to remember the difficult time during my separation and divorce in 2000.  On one level I was experiencing the frightening ecstasy of freedom from mental and emotional bondage, along with the guilt and shame of insisting on the tearing apart a family (which I’d sworn I’d never do), and on another level I was focused on creating a new healthy environment for myself and my three sons, who were also experiencing the divorce in their own ways.  During this turbulence, I found great solace in the rivers, the water. At that time, I had jumped into the abyss of the unknown of what our lives were going to look like without the status quo and “comfort” of married life.  Even though I knew it was the right decision, I was suddenly in the land of the unknown and the uncertain, and faced many perceived obstacles, but I had come to a Buddhist understanding of “being okay with it not being okay”.

As I stood by various rivers through this time, I watched the water flow over and under the rocks, create waterfalls and swirling pools. I watched the slow smooth even flow of water where there were fewer rocks and more open range.  It was during one of my contemplations that I realized that the water is like my soul.  The water may experience rocks and dams, and huge drop offs, however none of it affects the essence of the water.  Where there are fewer rocks and drop offs, the water appears to be peaceful and calm.  The water is still water, the rocks and turns don’t take anything away from the water, they help change it’s course and cause turbulence, increased energy and excitement.  Yet, ultimately, the water finds its way to the bigger and bigger bodies of water, eventually intermingling with itself in the ocean.  Then there is the process of evaporation, cloud forming and movement, and condensation with rain forming to fall on different parts of the Earth, for the cycle to begin again.

I had a dream last night about the ocean.  About the vastness, about the immense diversity of life and color within the sea.  Even though the details of the dream are a bit foggy, and dampened by the concrete mind at this point, I do recall the feeling of humbly being one with the ocean, infinitely, and infinitesimally.  I understood as a soul that I am a part of the ocean, and that I am the ocean.  No circumstance, or rock, can ever change that.  There is a saying in the metaphysical world about dipping into the ocean of God or Source, or All-Beingness, and it is up to each of us how much we dip in, whether it be with a teaspoon, a cup, a bucket, or even being subsumed by its entirety.  To me, this is about how much we trust and allow in our soul’s comfort and the Universal Love that is always around us in the sea of Life.

You are not a drop in the ocean.  You are the entire ocean in a drop – Rumi

The Sea of Life is an Abyss of unknowing yet absolute Knowing, and often takes an enormous amount of trust to take steps forward when we cannot see beyond each step.  I know as human beings we oscillate between this trust and knowing and wanting to be in control of events in our lives. The other distinct feeling I had in the dream was the humility in realization that we think in our little minds that we have some control over the vastness of the Universe, and can change the ocean, or the planet.  Truly our realizing and knowing, which is a bigger step than believing, that we are One with the ocean, One with the planet, and One with One-another, and we can rest peacefully in the abyss of the ocean, and flow with the Universal Love.

Further interesting to contemplate water as a great majority of each of our bodies consists of water.  This is the same water that flows in the rivers, comprises the ocean, the clouds, the rain and snow, is in the polar ice caps, in the plants and animals, and all humans, continually being recirculated throughout the Earth’s system.  The water isn’t decreased or increased, its substance is continually circulated throughout Life and the environment.

I strive for this Ocean of Knowing to be my new status quo, my comfort, as I continue this human life in these very interesting times for our planet.  And, as my own personal life is again in great flux, where it actually has been since 1999, all I can do is listen to my intuition, my guides, continue to connect with those dear to me and to take care of the vessel, express as I need to express, and take action where I am inspired to take action, while releasing the need to know, the impatience for ‘security’, and the how it’s all going to work out.  It already is working out.

Also important is to remember, as a tool, to melt the ice, the frozen emotions which lie on top of the easy flowing water.  As the frozen emotions melt, they become one with the flow, they release the energy contained within those emotions that weren’t flowing before for even greater creativity.  Water has that unique quality of being less dense in the solid state than it is in the liquid state.  Thus ice floats, covering up the warmer water underneath.  I see this often in my practice, and is easily felt in patients’ pulses.  This is the burdening of unexpressed emotions, dampening the pulse, the Life Force, within the patient.  It takes energy to hold onto the emotions, often eventually to the detriment of our physical bodies, where the free flowing energy or Qi could be used instead to help heal our bodies and our minds and to open our hearts to the Greater Love that exists.  There are many effective tools to assist in the freeing of emotions, the melting of the ice caps, when the patient becomes willing to delve into the world of emotional healing and creative expression.

Water in dreams is often construed as emotions.  So, for example, when I dreamed of huge tidal waves rolling down my street overtaking my house, it was an indication of my very overwhelming emotional world at the time.  Or, when I dreamed I was trudging through three feet of snow, then I knew I had some emotional clearing work to do around specific current circumstances through which I was making my way. We experience life as emotional beings, this is our nature.  If we melt the old frozen emotions, then we make room for new emotions to come through, and they might actually be wonderful experiences including joy, peace, and love.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of emotional healing for me, and I have, through the last decade, discovered a deeper, more joyful and peaceful me, tapped into and used my own water to see what makes me tick, what I tend to hang onto, what I’m willing to release, learned to stretch my weave of understanding and willingness to be open to greater awareness, and always with the background, and sometimes foreground, knowing that my soul is never damaged, lost, or broken through my experiences in this life.

I am going to be near the ocean again soon.  There my embodied molecules of water will meet and greet with the great vastness of the molecules of water within the ocean, saying “Oh, yes!  We remember you, and we are so excited to be together again!”

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Council of Twelve

An Experience in Spring of 2009
In a dream, I become aware of Seven, then quickly, Twelve Beings.  They are sitting, no, not sitting because these beings do not sit, they are in a circle, and are very clearly communicating about my soul and my life.  They discuss in great detail the paths I have taken since the year 2000 following the year prior’s choice to live.  

1999-2000:  I was given a clear message one day near the end of an unhappy marriage; actually the beginning of the end.  For years I had tried to escape the marriage through various means and one day I was doing something relatively mundane, like reading the newspaper, and suddenly a vision of my then husband appeared before me.  He was a couple of feet in front of me with his arm and hand outstretched toward me.  The end of his hand was a group of large tentacles and to my amazement I was seeing and feeling these tentacles deeply embedded in my left chest, above my breast. I was very aware and could see that he was taking the energy from my body. I was also aware that I was fully allowing it. From behind my right ear I heard a very distinct voice tell me that I have a choice to make.  I could leave this scenario in one of two ways.  One option was to develop breast cancer and transition out of this physical reality, and leave.   The other was to leave the relationship and create a new life for myself.  With this awareness, I knew somehow that I was going to leave, I just was not sure what choice I was going to make.  For me it was clearly a choice of life or death.  Death, at the time, seemed far easier than stepping out and creating a new life for awhile, and I found myself being seduced by the “easy” way out.  It took about a year to finally make the choice to live, and I left.  From that choice, my life and soul plan has been about resolving an immense amount of karma, both individual and familial, and quite possibly making a difference in the world karma by having made that choice to live and continue on a shift of soul path.   For a couple of years after I left, I would have odd moments of realization and surprise that I was still alive, as I adjusted to that new reality.  


Back to 2009: Recently, before this most recent dream with the Council of Twelve, I had been having a sense that the karma that that new soul path in 2000 set out to balance was complete, and that I was again coming upon another choice similar to the first one.  


Great discussion in the dream amongst the Twelve Beings was made about the karma healed and the progress and path of my soul since 2000, and I realized that there was also discussion amongst these Twelve Beings about where I will be of best service, whether this physical body serves my greatest purpose at this juncture, or would I be of better service in another realm and dimension.  Whilst I observed this conversation about my soul’s recent path and completion, my mind (of which they were all fully aware) was racing with all of my ego and third dimensional attachments, telepathizing as fast as I could, “Hey, I’ve just been accepted to pharmacy school, and started this great new clinic!  And, what about my children and family and friends?  I feel happy finally and want to live and observe this enormous transition on the planet!  I haven’t yet experienced the beautiful and connecting relationship I’ve worked all of these years clearing the path for.  Would you really just pluck me out, just like that?? Do I have any say in this??”  

They “heard” me just fine as they knew everything about me, and I knew that some of that was being taken into account, however what I profoundly came to understand was that my soul’s path from this moment on Earth in this human form is about what I want it to be; pure manifestation.  If it is determined that my soul will continue in this incarnate form for awhile longer, that as it does, my life is no longer about my personal or family karma, and is about putting into action my visions, my plans for service with all of the unique gifts I have brought with me.  It was also profoundly clear that there were far more important considerations than my chattering mind’s worries as to whether I am to stay or not.  Obviously before I incarnated in this form in this lifetime, I set forth a few goals, connections and junctures ahead of time as a soul embarking on this brief journey. 

Of course, I can be plucked out at any given moment, and possibly more useful in a different plane, even if I’m going to pharmacy school in August, or even if I have three wonderful boys I want to watch grow and live and mature, even if the remaining things I hold dear are gone in a moment, and even if my closest and dearest friends and family would miss my presence and light.  Why would my life be any different than anyone else’s?  If I am not fully cognizant of the outline my soul and helpers created, how am I to know consciously that I am complete?


I did not hear an answer in that dream, but I did receive the message that I have no need to “worry” about pharmacy school (I wasn’t consciously worried, but perhaps there is/was some subconscious worry), that I would have ample help from at least several of these Twelve Beings.  I mentally asked “how” and then I was shown, and through knowing, a download of information, a remembering.  They showed me this with great joy and laughter.  I felt that was pretty cool.  I once had a dream many years ago that as I placed my hand on a book that all of the knowledge within that book became known to me, and this vision was a lot like that.


The dream stuck with me for a few days, and I knew I was to write about it, possibly for further clarity, but also to document these messages.  On a personality level I was not too excited about the possibility that my human life might be over soon, and what does that mean for those around me, including logistics.  I figure since I wasn’t zapped out right away that I am meant to stay for a bit.  I was also profoundly struck with the message that I am here to love, love, love, in every moment, and to show love, express love, and essentially to love and it is through this love that all will manifest.

In one deep meditation in the months after this experience, I was aware that my soul was “negotiating” the kind of death I would experience.  One where I’d have ample time to put my affairs in order, and to say my temporary goodbyes and relay as much of my understanding of the process as I could to those who were interested.  I also had a sense of if I were to leave the physical realm, I’d have a few months left.  It was clear the big decision hadn’t yet been made.

A few weeks after that meditation, I felt an indescribable shift, and somehow I knew that the decision had been made.  I was to stay, yet again, for now, and more fully commit my life to service and to love.  From that moment on, pretty much everything in my life shifted.  Suddenly my second husband appeared, who was so obviously the right person for me, and we both knew it immediately.  I moved, I sold my house and released so much of my stuff, my beautiful cats who assisted in my healing in those transitional years ended their lives, I got married, my children moved on to their endeavors, I began pharmacy school, and am successfully fulfilling that vision.  It is pretty much a complete paradigm shift, like a fulfillment of the intentions and dreams I worked at for over a decade.  Suddenly it was all there.  I am still in awe to be here, and to be alive, and ever so grateful for this extended opportunity to live, love and serve.  


2010/2011: Since then I have experienced a few specific death occurrences which are significant.  One is my uncle’s passing from a brain tumor, and the other is a friend’s delivery of a stillborn child.  My cousin sent an email soon after her dad passed that had two pictures attached.  They were both of my uncle with his children approximately 1.5 weeks before he passed.  Even though I had a little fear of what the pictures might show, I was elated to see all of the love in the people in the pictures and the grin of pure joy on my uncle’s face.  He was swimming in a sea of love.  I do not know how peaceful his passing was, however I can tell without a doubt that he was surrounded with and exuded the greatest love there is.  I held that memory of his pure smile in my heart as I tended to my dear friend as she awaited the day she was to knowingly deliver her stillborn child.  As I placed my hands on her beautiful round belly, I could feel no life within, only an emptiness, however I could hear the soul of this unborn nonviable child, and all it had to relay was pure joy and gratitude to my friend for this experience.  There was definitely no sadness or anger on that little (big) soul’s part, solely gratitude and love for having shared this experience with my friend.  I felt so honored to be part of that and to experience the message.  On my human personality level I have felt grief and sorrow for my friend, and it was the first time I really ever wished I could do something for someone I knew I couldn’t do, so that I could spare her the pain and horror of it on a physical and emotional level.


Also, my cousin, Jenni, and my friend, Theresa recently passed on to the greater dimensions.  I think of both of their lives and how they lived them ever so fully.  They are both inspirations for me, to take the necessary risks to live life ever more fully.  On a human level, I feel sadness that they are no longer visiting Earth to share their lights, but I know, without a doubt, that they are still in all of our hearts, as our angels and our inspirations for our own lives.


Thank you to the Council of Twelve, and my Higher Self for each day that I awaken! 

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

On School Shootings and Unity: December 2012

Friday, Day 4, I was feeling crummy… I took my shower, as promised, got dressed, changed the (then) depressing meditation music to some quirky Roger Miller – I got out my rainbow toe socks and put them on – I was starting to feel better, maybe even neutral.

The rest of Day 4… Then I checked Facebook, and the first thing I saw was a reference to prayers to those in CT – so against my vow to not read mainstream media, I looked it up and realized that there had been yet another school shooting, this one in Connecticut.  I immediately burst into tears thinking about all of those people in that horrifying situation, and especially the children.  So young, so innocent, lives so short, and the surviving everybody in that school, their lives will never be the same.  At that time my husband a the time called on his lunch break from teaching in a special education school, and I told him about the shooting, and really couldn’t say much more because of the tears.  I spent quite a bit of time wrapped in the media, reading all of the crazy arguments for and against gun control.  To me this is a far bigger issue than simple gun control.  People intent on killing people are going to find the means, whether it’s guns, knives, bombs, their hands… from what I understand, tighter gun control would not have helped in the Connecticut school shootings case.  The guns used were legally the mother’s, who was killed prior to the big school rampage.  Anyway, I’m not for or against – I hate that topic that goes round and round, when there’s far more to this violent and loving society.  Media, media, media.  Ugh.

We lived in Littleton when the shootings took place at Columbine.  My kids were in 1st, 3rd and 5th grades at the time.  Those who were outside on the school grounds at the time could hear the bombs going off.  Our house backed up to one of the main roads, and many emergency personnel were going by… let me back up a little, first, though.

I had just discovered the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, and was learning about my creative side and taking care of and nurturing myself.  I’d begun to feel the joy in life, and was beginning to see it in the little things.  I vividly remember walking the boys to school that morning, and my youngest, Peter, who was 6 at that time, was skipping to school, just as happy to be in the present moment as anywhere else.  I skipped with him and felt this upwelling of Joy in my heart.  My cup overfloweth as I placed them in the care of the elementary school.  I walked home and took out a watercolor picture to work on for the first time – my first, and last time I’ve ever attempted to water color.  I remember feeling the joy of creating, even if it was a little frustrating working with the watercolors.  I don’t know what I was doing next, but I was still in that state of pure Joy, when my stepmother called me from Idaho to ask if we were all okay.  I didn’t have my television on at that time, and Facebook had yet to be invented.  She told me what was going on a mere 2 miles from our home in Littleton.  I turned on the television and sat there in horror as it unfolded before my eyes.  I called the boys’ school and was told I couldn’t get the children since the school was in lock-down.  That was a horrific feeling, not being able to get my kids to keep them safe and hold them tight.

Finally, several hours later, we got the go ahead to come into the school and pick up our kids.  I picked up the younger kids first, then went to the 5th grade room, and what I saw astounded and infuriated me.  All of the kids, 10 and 11 years old, were huddled around a television set that was broadcasting LIVE, the events that were still unfolding at Columbine.  No teacher or adult was in sight.  When I found the teacher, she was outside (just outside the room) talking on her cell phone with her husband reassuring him that she was ok.  I grabbed my son and we all left for home.

When we got home, we watched for about 15 minutes more to see if there was new information.  Then I had to shut it off for all of our sakes. It was far too current and too much.

The weather was very interesting, I thought, for the remainder of week. It was overcast and rainy, and to me it seemed that the entire city was crying, certainly our community was sobbing.  We were mainly in shock especially as the details came forth and became more clear.

All of these memories get re-triggered every time there’s a shooting, which unfortunately seems to be more and more often. I saw a lot of references on Facebook after Friday’s shooting to wanting to hold their children close. My kids are all grown up now and dispersed around the country, so I wouldn’t have the immediate satisfaction of holding them.  They were definitely in my thoughts and in my heart, and I will see them soon for the holidays.  My heart goes out to those big souls that continued their journeys beyond this physical realm, my heart goes out to those big souls who are left in this dimension with unfathomable grief, my heart goes out to the community, and to the world.

I am reminded of some of my favorite lines by Kahlil Gibran:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Through pain, we can learn deeper love and more profound joy.  The rest of Friday was quite melancholy for me, as I processed the events, and the memories, and contemplate the darkness of society, as well as the light.  On one level I am not surprised that this devastating event happened in the darkest time of the year, possibly the darkest time of all time.  On another level, I see it as an amazing opportunity for greater Light to shine through.  Most of us humans regard death as sad and tragic, and the end… this is how we’re trained, especially in Western civilization.  We fear death.

What I’ve come to understand about death, through studies of near-death experiences, meditations, Eastern philosophy and other explorations, that it is not the end – well, yes, it’s the end of this physical incarnation, but it is not the end of our souls, or our spirits.  We’ve lived many times, in many fashions, in many Universes. What I’ve also come to understand is that we have soul contracts with one another, usually to help each other grow spiritually.  I believe that includes these heinous events that are created by man.  In this regard, these precious children and adults, whose lives were taken so early according to our personality perspectives, agreed prior to their incarnations with their soul groups for their or their family members’ greater spiritual growth to pass from this life in this manner.  This does not lessen the pain experienced in this third dimension of personality and matter, but from a soul perspective the purpose is reconnection with Source and a remembering of who we really are, resolving duality, returning to the Light.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020