On School Shootings and Unity: December 2012

Friday, Day 4, I was feeling crummy… I took my shower, as promised, got dressed, changed the (then) depressing meditation music to some quirky Roger Miller – I got out my rainbow toe socks and put them on – I was starting to feel better, maybe even neutral.

The rest of Day 4… Then I checked Facebook, and the first thing I saw was a reference to prayers to those in CT – so against my vow to not read mainstream media, I looked it up and realized that there had been yet another school shooting, this one in Connecticut.  I immediately burst into tears thinking about all of those people in that horrifying situation, and especially the children.  So young, so innocent, lives so short, and the surviving everybody in that school, their lives will never be the same.  At that time my husband a the time called on his lunch break from teaching in a special education school, and I told him about the shooting, and really couldn’t say much more because of the tears.  I spent quite a bit of time wrapped in the media, reading all of the crazy arguments for and against gun control.  To me this is a far bigger issue than simple gun control.  People intent on killing people are going to find the means, whether it’s guns, knives, bombs, their hands… from what I understand, tighter gun control would not have helped in the Connecticut school shootings case.  The guns used were legally the mother’s, who was killed prior to the big school rampage.  Anyway, I’m not for or against – I hate that topic that goes round and round, when there’s far more to this violent and loving society.  Media, media, media.  Ugh.

We lived in Littleton when the shootings took place at Columbine.  My kids were in 1st, 3rd and 5th grades at the time.  Those who were outside on the school grounds at the time could hear the bombs going off.  Our house backed up to one of the main roads, and many emergency personnel were going by… let me back up a little, first, though.

I had just discovered the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, and was learning about my creative side and taking care of and nurturing myself.  I’d begun to feel the joy in life, and was beginning to see it in the little things.  I vividly remember walking the boys to school that morning, and my youngest, Peter, who was 6 at that time, was skipping to school, just as happy to be in the present moment as anywhere else.  I skipped with him and felt this upwelling of Joy in my heart.  My cup overfloweth as I placed them in the care of the elementary school.  I walked home and took out a watercolor picture to work on for the first time – my first, and last time I’ve ever attempted to water color.  I remember feeling the joy of creating, even if it was a little frustrating working with the watercolors.  I don’t know what I was doing next, but I was still in that state of pure Joy, when my stepmother called me from Idaho to ask if we were all okay.  I didn’t have my television on at that time, and Facebook had yet to be invented.  She told me what was going on a mere 2 miles from our home in Littleton.  I turned on the television and sat there in horror as it unfolded before my eyes.  I called the boys’ school and was told I couldn’t get the children since the school was in lock-down.  That was a horrific feeling, not being able to get my kids to keep them safe and hold them tight.

Finally, several hours later, we got the go ahead to come into the school and pick up our kids.  I picked up the younger kids first, then went to the 5th grade room, and what I saw astounded and infuriated me.  All of the kids, 10 and 11 years old, were huddled around a television set that was broadcasting LIVE, the events that were still unfolding at Columbine.  No teacher or adult was in sight.  When I found the teacher, she was outside (just outside the room) talking on her cell phone with her husband reassuring him that she was ok.  I grabbed my son and we all left for home.

When we got home, we watched for about 15 minutes more to see if there was new information.  Then I had to shut it off for all of our sakes. It was far too current and too much.

The weather was very interesting, I thought, for the remainder of week. It was overcast and rainy, and to me it seemed that the entire city was crying, certainly our community was sobbing.  We were mainly in shock especially as the details came forth and became more clear.

All of these memories get re-triggered every time there’s a shooting, which unfortunately seems to be more and more often. I saw a lot of references on Facebook after Friday’s shooting to wanting to hold their children close. My kids are all grown up now and dispersed around the country, so I wouldn’t have the immediate satisfaction of holding them.  They were definitely in my thoughts and in my heart, and I will see them soon for the holidays.  My heart goes out to those big souls that continued their journeys beyond this physical realm, my heart goes out to those big souls who are left in this dimension with unfathomable grief, my heart goes out to the community, and to the world.

I am reminded of some of my favorite lines by Kahlil Gibran:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Through pain, we can learn deeper love and more profound joy.  The rest of Friday was quite melancholy for me, as I processed the events, and the memories, and contemplate the darkness of society, as well as the light.  On one level I am not surprised that this devastating event happened in the darkest time of the year, possibly the darkest time of all time.  On another level, I see it as an amazing opportunity for greater Light to shine through.  Most of us humans regard death as sad and tragic, and the end… this is how we’re trained, especially in Western civilization.  We fear death.

What I’ve come to understand about death, through studies of near-death experiences, meditations, Eastern philosophy and other explorations, that it is not the end – well, yes, it’s the end of this physical incarnation, but it is not the end of our souls, or our spirits.  We’ve lived many times, in many fashions, in many Universes. What I’ve also come to understand is that we have soul contracts with one another, usually to help each other grow spiritually.  I believe that includes these heinous events that are created by man.  In this regard, these precious children and adults, whose lives were taken so early according to our personality perspectives, agreed prior to their incarnations with their soul groups for their or their family members’ greater spiritual growth to pass from this life in this manner.  This does not lessen the pain experienced in this third dimension of personality and matter, but from a soul perspective the purpose is reconnection with Source and a remembering of who we really are, resolving duality, returning to the Light.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Masculine and Feminine in Balance

“My internal masculine and feminine selves show respect and appreciation for each other.”

Daily Thought for Tuesday, March 10, 2009
by Master Djwhal Khul
 

The yin and the yang in balance and harmony with each other, is the key to great health. The yin, the feminine, being the stillness, the resting, the quiet, is utterly important for our physical, mental and emotional rejuvenation. It’s about being present with ourselves, and going within to hear that “still, small voice”, which sometimes isn’t so small, especially the longer we ignore it. The feminine is our intuitive aspect, the receptivity of the Divine. Often in our society, and maybe many others, people do not go to this place of stillness, of receptivity, of rejuvenation so that they can have the energy they need for the yang, or masculine aspects of their lives: the activity, the expression, the action, the sharing with others, the creativity. If there is too much doing, and not enough being, then there is imbalance.

I find this often in my practice, and it can be felt in a person’s pulses. This can result in taking action where the action may not be so Divinely inspired and not coming from the most heart-centered place possible, thus causing more problems than creative solutions.   The opposite is also seen in practice and in life. Where there’s plenty of stillness and intuition coming through, but no action being taken upon it.  This can lead to stagnation and illness, both physical and emotional.  I often feel in the pulses of my patients an oppressive energy that weighs down the vibrancy of the true pulse.  I translate this into the energy of not taking action on something that needs taking action. The patient often knows what it is because they are so intuitive, and that’s not where the energy is stuck.  Sometimes they do not know because the energy is so stuck, and once it gets flowing again through their taking action in some part of their lives, then life overall begins to flow and they can make good, heart-centered decisions.  

The perfect balance and flow is when the Divinely guided intuitive “hit” comes through, and we can express it and take action on it immediately. No questioning “what if, yeah but, if only…” just take action. Then we are in the flow of Life and this is the masculine taking action, respecting the feminine intuition and stillness. It is also the feminine appreciating the ability of the masculine to take action.

There is much to be appreciated about the masculine and feminine being in good communication and mutually respecting each others’ importance. This can require a fair amount of trust.  Trust that our intuitive hits are truly coming from a higher (or heart) place, and trusting that our taking action is for our greatest good.  I think it’s also about life being a place where we can try these things, lean into them, and see where they take us.  This may seem risky, especially at first, but the more the inner masculine and feminine cooperate the more easily life flows.  

I have observed and experienced, this is often, or maybe even always, demonstrated through our relationships. We attract those who provide balance for us. For example, when I was young and newly married, I was the ultimate yin, or feminine and nurturing , aspect with very little of the masculine; whereas, my husband at the time was the epitomy of the masculine, the breadwinner, the decision-maker, As I grew older, and more into myself embracing more of my masculine side, which for me meant expressing my unique self, and taking action on those things that were important to me, this gave my husband at the time an opportunity to look at and embrace the qualities of his feminine and receptive, nurturing side so that we could once again balance each other at this new level.

Unfortunately, my masculine appeared to be too challenging for his hidden feminine, and at the time he wasn’t willing to go there, so instead of growing together, we grew apart. I took my new level of feminine/masculine balance, or relative imbalance, out into the world of relationship, with many results.   There have been many shifts and changes over the years with my goal of being more balanced in my feminine and masculine aspects, and honoring both.  I feel I’ve gotten myself to a good place.  I am able to live an intuitive life, and can take action or express myself accordingly.  I don’t know what this means relationship-wise, since I am not currently in one that will mirror my level of balance of my inner feminine and masculine, but I look forward to finding out and seeing where my inner feminine and masculine might need more attention in mutual respect and appreciation.   Many Blessings to All of You, You Wonderful Beings of the Inner Feminine and Masculine!  

(Within two months of writing this in March 2009, I met my second husband, who also presented as balanced feminine/masculine, confirming, at the time, my awareness.)

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

8-8 Lion’s Gate

Dream 8-8-2019: Very brief dream, a beautiful man with very short medium-colored hair approached and brought his very familiar essence and face toward mine. As he leaned his forehead against mine I knew without a doubt, he knew me inside and out, my soul, my being, and vice versa. We connected through our eyes and our entire beings as he relayed his message to me through our minds…

“I’m coming soon”.

Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.

Lao Tzu

Lair O’ the Bear Park Encounter 8-8-08 at 8:08:08am

I was compelled to hike one of my favorite trails not far out of the city boundaries. I’ve hiked this gentle river-side trail for years since I’d inadvertently and delightfully rediscovered it on my middle son’s first grade field trip in 1996.

Years prior, as a 7 year old child myself, visting my dad in the Denver area from Washington state where I lived with my mother and brother. I’d been on a company picnic with my father and my brother at Little Park, an adjunct to Lair O’ the Bear. It was a very nice memory, including winning the 3-legged race with my head-shorter brother, and as we exited the park up toward the street I remember gazing through the rearview window as the pleasant scene disappeared with the old watering hole building etched on my memory. After my mother moved us to Colorado in 1976, I continually searched for that park. It took me 20 years to find it again!

Once rediscovered, Lair O’ the Bear became my “go to” hike for those many years, in every season, every type of weather, so it was a natural place to want to be on 8-8-08 at 8:08am. I was not aware of the astrological “Lion’s Gate” significance at that time. I parked the car in the lot at the Little Park entrance at 8am, and began my walking journey toward Lair O’ the Bear park. Eight minutes later I turned a corner and came face to face with a big beautiful buck with large dark eyes, piercing straight to my soul. We held our gaze for several minutes and he transmited his gentle energy, which was soothing. It felt I could stand there forever in this buck’s gaze. Finally I thanked him for his presence asked him if he’d let me by to continue my hike. He hopped off the trail a few feet and turned toward it and watched me walk by.

Later, as I was returning along the same path back to my car, I came to the same location where I’d encountered the buck, and instead there was a doe and three more young deer on the path. They quickly cleared the way for me to pass.

(Deer Totem By Elena Harris at https://www.spiritanimal.info/deer-spirit-animal/)

“The meanings associated with the deer combine both (feminine) soft, gentle qualities with (masculine) strength and determination:

  • Gentleness
  • Ability to move through life and obstacles with grace
  • Being in touch with inner child, innocence
  • Being sensitive and intuitive
  • Vigilance, ability to change directions quickly
  • Magical ability to regenerate, being in touch with life’s mysteries”

By 2008 I had learned much about myself through healing relationship with myself, with others, with my inner child, with a greater ability to move through life with Grace, becoming more and more intuitive and balanced with my own feminine and masculine energies, all in the hope, focus and goal of meeting my next partner after my first divorce in 2000.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020