A Jump Into the Abyss of the Soul

From 2009

I am called to remember the difficult time during my separation and divorce in 2000.  On one level I was experiencing the frightening ecstasy of freedom from mental and emotional bondage, along with the guilt and shame of insisting on the tearing apart a family (which I’d sworn I’d never do), and on another level I was focused on creating a new healthy environment for myself and my three sons, who were also experiencing the divorce in their own ways.  During this turbulence, I found great solace in the rivers, the water. At that time, I had jumped into the abyss of the unknown of what our lives were going to look like without the status quo and “comfort” of married life.  Even though I knew it was the right decision, I was suddenly in the land of the unknown and the uncertain, and faced many perceived obstacles, but I had come to a Buddhist understanding of “being okay with it not being okay”.

As I stood by various rivers through this time, I watched the water flow over and under the rocks, create waterfalls and swirling pools. I watched the slow smooth even flow of water where there were fewer rocks and more open range.  It was during one of my contemplations that I realized that the water is like my soul.  The water may experience rocks and dams, and huge drop offs, however none of it affects the essence of the water.  Where there are fewer rocks and drop offs, the water appears to be peaceful and calm.  The water is still water, the rocks and turns don’t take anything away from the water, they help change it’s course and cause turbulence, increased energy and excitement.  Yet, ultimately, the water finds its way to the bigger and bigger bodies of water, eventually intermingling with itself in the ocean.  Then there is the process of evaporation, cloud forming and movement, and condensation with rain forming to fall on different parts of the Earth, for the cycle to begin again.

I had a dream last night about the ocean.  About the vastness, about the immense diversity of life and color within the sea.  Even though the details of the dream are a bit foggy, and dampened by the concrete mind at this point, I do recall the feeling of humbly being one with the ocean, infinitely, and infinitesimally.  I understood as a soul that I am a part of the ocean, and that I am the ocean.  No circumstance, or rock, can ever change that.  There is a saying in the metaphysical world about dipping into the ocean of God or Source, or All-Beingness, and it is up to each of us how much we dip in, whether it be with a teaspoon, a cup, a bucket, or even being subsumed by its entirety.  To me, this is about how much we trust and allow in our soul’s comfort and the Universal Love that is always around us in the sea of Life.

You are not a drop in the ocean.  You are the entire ocean in a drop – Rumi

The Sea of Life is an Abyss of unknowing yet absolute Knowing, and often takes an enormous amount of trust to take steps forward when we cannot see beyond each step.  I know as human beings we oscillate between this trust and knowing and wanting to be in control of events in our lives. The other distinct feeling I had in the dream was the humility in realization that we think in our little minds that we have some control over the vastness of the Universe, and can change the ocean, or the planet.  Truly our realizing and knowing, which is a bigger step than believing, that we are One with the ocean, One with the planet, and One with One-another, and we can rest peacefully in the abyss of the ocean, and flow with the Universal Love.

Further interesting to contemplate water as a great majority of each of our bodies consists of water.  This is the same water that flows in the rivers, comprises the ocean, the clouds, the rain and snow, is in the polar ice caps, in the plants and animals, and all humans, continually being recirculated throughout the Earth’s system.  The water isn’t decreased or increased, its substance is continually circulated throughout Life and the environment.

I strive for this Ocean of Knowing to be my new status quo, my comfort, as I continue this human life in these very interesting times for our planet.  And, as my own personal life is again in great flux, where it actually has been since 1999, all I can do is listen to my intuition, my guides, continue to connect with those dear to me and to take care of the vessel, express as I need to express, and take action where I am inspired to take action, while releasing the need to know, the impatience for ‘security’, and the how it’s all going to work out.  It already is working out.

Also important is to remember, as a tool, to melt the ice, the frozen emotions which lie on top of the easy flowing water.  As the frozen emotions melt, they become one with the flow, they release the energy contained within those emotions that weren’t flowing before for even greater creativity.  Water has that unique quality of being less dense in the solid state than it is in the liquid state.  Thus ice floats, covering up the warmer water underneath.  I see this often in my practice, and is easily felt in patients’ pulses.  This is the burdening of unexpressed emotions, dampening the pulse, the Life Force, within the patient.  It takes energy to hold onto the emotions, often eventually to the detriment of our physical bodies, where the free flowing energy or Qi could be used instead to help heal our bodies and our minds and to open our hearts to the Greater Love that exists.  There are many effective tools to assist in the freeing of emotions, the melting of the ice caps, when the patient becomes willing to delve into the world of emotional healing and creative expression.

Water in dreams is often construed as emotions.  So, for example, when I dreamed of huge tidal waves rolling down my street overtaking my house, it was an indication of my very overwhelming emotional world at the time.  Or, when I dreamed I was trudging through three feet of snow, then I knew I had some emotional clearing work to do around specific current circumstances through which I was making my way. We experience life as emotional beings, this is our nature.  If we melt the old frozen emotions, then we make room for new emotions to come through, and they might actually be wonderful experiences including joy, peace, and love.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of emotional healing for me, and I have, through the last decade, discovered a deeper, more joyful and peaceful me, tapped into and used my own water to see what makes me tick, what I tend to hang onto, what I’m willing to release, learned to stretch my weave of understanding and willingness to be open to greater awareness, and always with the background, and sometimes foreground, knowing that my soul is never damaged, lost, or broken through my experiences in this life.

I am going to be near the ocean again soon.  There my embodied molecules of water will meet and greet with the great vastness of the molecules of water within the ocean, saying “Oh, yes!  We remember you, and we are so excited to be together again!”

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Winds of Change and Letting Go

This applies now in 2020, at least as much as when I wrote it in 2011:

I feel somewhat unsettled as the wind is howling and the trees are swaying violently outside.   The sky is dark with gray and foreboding.  Maybe it’s stir craziness I’m experiencing from having been in bed for the last week with a strange illness that can’t seem to decide what it is, and is taking its time taking its leave.  I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I know, well, have learned, in the past, that when I get sick enough to knock me out of commission as I’ve been, my life is about to change.  It’s a cocooning of sorts, a reorganization.  I am definitely very happy with my life in this place to where it has evolved, and am open to change for even better, on whatever level.  This said, this doesn’t feel to me like a cocooning on a personal level, it definitely feels more of a stepping back from the humanity and planetary level.  After a conversation with my mother earlier today, who is also suffering from this strange malady, I realize that perhaps the Universe is telling us to take cover, lay low for a bit, perhaps…rest up.  


I can only surmise or speculate that this may have something to do with the recent solar flares, with which their Earth arrival corresponded precisely with the onset of my illness, which has been fiery, feverish, with burning pain, mainly in my throat.    During the illness, some thoughts occurred to me, in light of, in spite of, or instead of the solar flare possibility.  One thought is that on a humanity level we are being dredged for the final drudge of karma that can be elicited before we have the opportunity for Ascension, if that is where we’re headed.  My human mind has no idea, and I have no answers, all I can do is go with the flow.   Bizarre things are happening in the world, even more so than usual, it seems.  My dreams have been ultra strange during this illness, and I haven’t had the time or energy to analyze them.  I’m okay with that, as it feels they are processing and processing…something.


Meanwhile, I feel more and more disconnected from humanity, and have no interest in the chaos that humanity pours on itself.  The personal dramas, the work dramas, the political dramas… are all karma either being played out or transcended.  Somehow I see beyond the drama, directly to the soul connection, the love, and can see that there is no reason for fear.  Death is not to fear, none of what we experience in life or are about to experience is to fear.  Life would be very, very different for every individual, and thus our collective communities if all decisions were made in love, instead of fear.   This would also be a different life if Earth’s inhabitants had no fear of death.   There was a particular scene that reminded of this, in Shirley MacLain’s miniseries Out On a Limb.  I hadn’t read her book or watched the miniseries before last night, but I have read much over the past 15 years about near death experiences, out of body experiences, spiritual matters, etc., and have had plenty of direct experiences that have brought my thought process to where it resides currently.  It was interesting to watch her metamorphosis, like a butterfly, through the show.  She resisted every step of the way, it appeared, but finally came to the realization that what she was experiencing and hearing was real and she obviously took action on the information she received.  Her experiences were more real than this weird world we live in and have collectively created for ourselves.  I am very glad to be reminded of this in this entertaining manner, although our true nature is almost always on my mind. 


I’ve also been reading a very interesting book called Dreaming and the Kaballah.  The premise is that our awakened state is at least as much of a dream-time than our sleeping state.  I’m not finished reading it yet, but I am sure I will have more to contemplate on this and the implications.
The theme this week in my awareness, it seems, is letting go.  In A Course in Miracles, our lessons have been about letting go (“loose-ing”) of the world we have created.  A client of mine’s main desire was to “let go” of the stuff he was ready to release so that he could move forward into his new life.  Letting go is one of the most difficult things a person can do.  What does it take to let go of the worry?  To let go of the fear?  To let go of having to know the how, or the why, or all of the answers.  If we let go, what are we left with?  Who are we without that fear?  Who are we without that worry?  Do we feel like we have to worry about something to be doing it “right”?  Do we have to be doing everything right?  If we let go of fear, are we out of our minds?  Maybe so.  Is that such a bad place to be?  

In Chinese medicine, letting go is the action of the Large Intestine.  We take in the events life presents to us (through the Stomach/solar plexus/Liver), let it churn a bit, send it to the Small Intestine for discernment, for sorting.  Small Intestine is the energy of separating the turbid from the clear, retaining the clear, and sending the turbid to the Large Instestine for discharge, or letting go.  The clear is associated with the blessings, and what we want to keep to enrich ourselves and our lives.  The turbid is the crap that no longer serves us and we need to let go.  

The energy of the Lung is directly related to the energy of the Large Intestine.  Lung is about grief and sorrow.  If we can grieve something, then we can let it go.  Sometimes we don’t know that we need to grieve something, but our bodies will tell us. 

Picturesque scene of mountain with flowers and sunrise representing letting go
Photo by Simon Matzinger on Pexels.com


Letting go is very freeing.  When you let go, those things hold no power over you, you reclaim your own power, and can move forward in a powerful way, rather than a fearful way.  Then your energy can be directed into creative endeavors. I realize this takes a lot of trust.  Trust in yourself, trust that everything will turn out “right”.  And “right” may not be our narrow perception of what is right for our lives, for we see very little of our full paths while we are incarnate and have very little knowledge of the meanings of our encounters and experiences.   In my experience, once I realized that there is a far bigger picture than my small awareness, my prayers and intentions became more for the greatest good of all involved, and allowing those who had a far greater awareness than mine, to make it happen.  I’ve since learned that these kinds of prayers often have the most profound outcomes, as I let go of my perceived best outcome.  I am not to judge what is the best outcome for anyone, not even for myself.  I can set my intention for what I think will be a great outcome, but I will always end it with “this or better”, as I do not know the lessons that need to be learned or the greater joy that can be experienced.  It’s called surrender.  

Orange sunset on ocean representing surrender

As the winds and the storm have subsided, I feel more at peace in my heart.  I feel more connected to my spirit, and am calmer about the next moment.  Solar flares or no solar flares, lunar eclipse or no lunar eclipse, and ascension or no ascension, I know that my life is dedicated to peace and love, and sharing and serving.  Perhaps my time cocooning is helping me strengthen this connection to my Source and helping me remember the theme of surrendering to the Greater Good and allowing it to flow through me.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

On School Shootings and Unity: December 2012

Friday, Day 4, I was feeling crummy… I took my shower, as promised, got dressed, changed the (then) depressing meditation music to some quirky Roger Miller – I got out my rainbow toe socks and put them on – I was starting to feel better, maybe even neutral.

The rest of Day 4… Then I checked Facebook, and the first thing I saw was a reference to prayers to those in CT – so against my vow to not read mainstream media, I looked it up and realized that there had been yet another school shooting, this one in Connecticut.  I immediately burst into tears thinking about all of those people in that horrifying situation, and especially the children.  So young, so innocent, lives so short, and the surviving everybody in that school, their lives will never be the same.  At that time my husband a the time called on his lunch break from teaching in a special education school, and I told him about the shooting, and really couldn’t say much more because of the tears.  I spent quite a bit of time wrapped in the media, reading all of the crazy arguments for and against gun control.  To me this is a far bigger issue than simple gun control.  People intent on killing people are going to find the means, whether it’s guns, knives, bombs, their hands… from what I understand, tighter gun control would not have helped in the Connecticut school shootings case.  The guns used were legally the mother’s, who was killed prior to the big school rampage.  Anyway, I’m not for or against – I hate that topic that goes round and round, when there’s far more to this violent and loving society.  Media, media, media.  Ugh.

We lived in Littleton when the shootings took place at Columbine.  My kids were in 1st, 3rd and 5th grades at the time.  Those who were outside on the school grounds at the time could hear the bombs going off.  Our house backed up to one of the main roads, and many emergency personnel were going by… let me back up a little, first, though.

I had just discovered the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, and was learning about my creative side and taking care of and nurturing myself.  I’d begun to feel the joy in life, and was beginning to see it in the little things.  I vividly remember walking the boys to school that morning, and my youngest, Peter, who was 6 at that time, was skipping to school, just as happy to be in the present moment as anywhere else.  I skipped with him and felt this upwelling of Joy in my heart.  My cup overfloweth as I placed them in the care of the elementary school.  I walked home and took out a watercolor picture to work on for the first time – my first, and last time I’ve ever attempted to water color.  I remember feeling the joy of creating, even if it was a little frustrating working with the watercolors.  I don’t know what I was doing next, but I was still in that state of pure Joy, when my stepmother called me from Idaho to ask if we were all okay.  I didn’t have my television on at that time, and Facebook had yet to be invented.  She told me what was going on a mere 2 miles from our home in Littleton.  I turned on the television and sat there in horror as it unfolded before my eyes.  I called the boys’ school and was told I couldn’t get the children since the school was in lock-down.  That was a horrific feeling, not being able to get my kids to keep them safe and hold them tight.

Finally, several hours later, we got the go ahead to come into the school and pick up our kids.  I picked up the younger kids first, then went to the 5th grade room, and what I saw astounded and infuriated me.  All of the kids, 10 and 11 years old, were huddled around a television set that was broadcasting LIVE, the events that were still unfolding at Columbine.  No teacher or adult was in sight.  When I found the teacher, she was outside (just outside the room) talking on her cell phone with her husband reassuring him that she was ok.  I grabbed my son and we all left for home.

When we got home, we watched for about 15 minutes more to see if there was new information.  Then I had to shut it off for all of our sakes. It was far too current and too much.

The weather was very interesting, I thought, for the remainder of week. It was overcast and rainy, and to me it seemed that the entire city was crying, certainly our community was sobbing.  We were mainly in shock especially as the details came forth and became more clear.

All of these memories get re-triggered every time there’s a shooting, which unfortunately seems to be more and more often. I saw a lot of references on Facebook after Friday’s shooting to wanting to hold their children close. My kids are all grown up now and dispersed around the country, so I wouldn’t have the immediate satisfaction of holding them.  They were definitely in my thoughts and in my heart, and I will see them soon for the holidays.  My heart goes out to those big souls that continued their journeys beyond this physical realm, my heart goes out to those big souls who are left in this dimension with unfathomable grief, my heart goes out to the community, and to the world.

I am reminded of some of my favorite lines by Kahlil Gibran:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Through pain, we can learn deeper love and more profound joy.  The rest of Friday was quite melancholy for me, as I processed the events, and the memories, and contemplate the darkness of society, as well as the light.  On one level I am not surprised that this devastating event happened in the darkest time of the year, possibly the darkest time of all time.  On another level, I see it as an amazing opportunity for greater Light to shine through.  Most of us humans regard death as sad and tragic, and the end… this is how we’re trained, especially in Western civilization.  We fear death.

What I’ve come to understand about death, through studies of near-death experiences, meditations, Eastern philosophy and other explorations, that it is not the end – well, yes, it’s the end of this physical incarnation, but it is not the end of our souls, or our spirits.  We’ve lived many times, in many fashions, in many Universes. What I’ve also come to understand is that we have soul contracts with one another, usually to help each other grow spiritually.  I believe that includes these heinous events that are created by man.  In this regard, these precious children and adults, whose lives were taken so early according to our personality perspectives, agreed prior to their incarnations with their soul groups for their or their family members’ greater spiritual growth to pass from this life in this manner.  This does not lessen the pain experienced in this third dimension of personality and matter, but from a soul perspective the purpose is reconnection with Source and a remembering of who we really are, resolving duality, returning to the Light.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020