A Jump Into the Abyss of the Soul

From 2009

I am called to remember the difficult time during my separation and divorce in 2000.  On one level I was experiencing the frightening ecstasy of freedom from mental and emotional bondage, along with the guilt and shame of insisting on the tearing apart a family (which I’d sworn I’d never do), and on another level I was focused on creating a new healthy environment for myself and my three sons, who were also experiencing the divorce in their own ways.  During this turbulence, I found great solace in the rivers, the water. At that time, I had jumped into the abyss of the unknown of what our lives were going to look like without the status quo and “comfort” of married life.  Even though I knew it was the right decision, I was suddenly in the land of the unknown and the uncertain, and faced many perceived obstacles, but I had come to a Buddhist understanding of “being okay with it not being okay”.

As I stood by various rivers through this time, I watched the water flow over and under the rocks, create waterfalls and swirling pools. I watched the slow smooth even flow of water where there were fewer rocks and more open range.  It was during one of my contemplations that I realized that the water is like my soul.  The water may experience rocks and dams, and huge drop offs, however none of it affects the essence of the water.  Where there are fewer rocks and drop offs, the water appears to be peaceful and calm.  The water is still water, the rocks and turns don’t take anything away from the water, they help change it’s course and cause turbulence, increased energy and excitement.  Yet, ultimately, the water finds its way to the bigger and bigger bodies of water, eventually intermingling with itself in the ocean.  Then there is the process of evaporation, cloud forming and movement, and condensation with rain forming to fall on different parts of the Earth, for the cycle to begin again.

I had a dream last night about the ocean.  About the vastness, about the immense diversity of life and color within the sea.  Even though the details of the dream are a bit foggy, and dampened by the concrete mind at this point, I do recall the feeling of humbly being one with the ocean, infinitely, and infinitesimally.  I understood as a soul that I am a part of the ocean, and that I am the ocean.  No circumstance, or rock, can ever change that.  There is a saying in the metaphysical world about dipping into the ocean of God or Source, or All-Beingness, and it is up to each of us how much we dip in, whether it be with a teaspoon, a cup, a bucket, or even being subsumed by its entirety.  To me, this is about how much we trust and allow in our soul’s comfort and the Universal Love that is always around us in the sea of Life.

You are not a drop in the ocean.  You are the entire ocean in a drop – Rumi

The Sea of Life is an Abyss of unknowing yet absolute Knowing, and often takes an enormous amount of trust to take steps forward when we cannot see beyond each step.  I know as human beings we oscillate between this trust and knowing and wanting to be in control of events in our lives. The other distinct feeling I had in the dream was the humility in realization that we think in our little minds that we have some control over the vastness of the Universe, and can change the ocean, or the planet.  Truly our realizing and knowing, which is a bigger step than believing, that we are One with the ocean, One with the planet, and One with One-another, and we can rest peacefully in the abyss of the ocean, and flow with the Universal Love.

Further interesting to contemplate water as a great majority of each of our bodies consists of water.  This is the same water that flows in the rivers, comprises the ocean, the clouds, the rain and snow, is in the polar ice caps, in the plants and animals, and all humans, continually being recirculated throughout the Earth’s system.  The water isn’t decreased or increased, its substance is continually circulated throughout Life and the environment.

I strive for this Ocean of Knowing to be my new status quo, my comfort, as I continue this human life in these very interesting times for our planet.  And, as my own personal life is again in great flux, where it actually has been since 1999, all I can do is listen to my intuition, my guides, continue to connect with those dear to me and to take care of the vessel, express as I need to express, and take action where I am inspired to take action, while releasing the need to know, the impatience for ‘security’, and the how it’s all going to work out.  It already is working out.

Also important is to remember, as a tool, to melt the ice, the frozen emotions which lie on top of the easy flowing water.  As the frozen emotions melt, they become one with the flow, they release the energy contained within those emotions that weren’t flowing before for even greater creativity.  Water has that unique quality of being less dense in the solid state than it is in the liquid state.  Thus ice floats, covering up the warmer water underneath.  I see this often in my practice, and is easily felt in patients’ pulses.  This is the burdening of unexpressed emotions, dampening the pulse, the Life Force, within the patient.  It takes energy to hold onto the emotions, often eventually to the detriment of our physical bodies, where the free flowing energy or Qi could be used instead to help heal our bodies and our minds and to open our hearts to the Greater Love that exists.  There are many effective tools to assist in the freeing of emotions, the melting of the ice caps, when the patient becomes willing to delve into the world of emotional healing and creative expression.

Water in dreams is often construed as emotions.  So, for example, when I dreamed of huge tidal waves rolling down my street overtaking my house, it was an indication of my very overwhelming emotional world at the time.  Or, when I dreamed I was trudging through three feet of snow, then I knew I had some emotional clearing work to do around specific current circumstances through which I was making my way. We experience life as emotional beings, this is our nature.  If we melt the old frozen emotions, then we make room for new emotions to come through, and they might actually be wonderful experiences including joy, peace, and love.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of emotional healing for me, and I have, through the last decade, discovered a deeper, more joyful and peaceful me, tapped into and used my own water to see what makes me tick, what I tend to hang onto, what I’m willing to release, learned to stretch my weave of understanding and willingness to be open to greater awareness, and always with the background, and sometimes foreground, knowing that my soul is never damaged, lost, or broken through my experiences in this life.

I am going to be near the ocean again soon.  There my embodied molecules of water will meet and greet with the great vastness of the molecules of water within the ocean, saying “Oh, yes!  We remember you, and we are so excited to be together again!”

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020

Car Dream 2003

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Lao Tzu

A man and a woman are in a car on a mountain road in the foggy, rainy night.  He is driving, she’s in the passenger seat.  They are intently discussing a subject, either the car or the drive or something pertaining to their relationship.  The man is frustrated with either the driving or the discussion.  After several near misses on the sharp dark curves in the road, he veers off the road into a ditch. 

Morning dawns.  It’s still foggy and damp.  I am at the site, looking at the car.  The man is off in the distance, in the woods, but I am not concerned with him.   I walk around to the other side of the car to find the woman lying behind the car in a mud puddle.    I lean over and grab her under the arms and drag her over to the car.  I lift her into the rear seat.  I lean over her limp body as I struggle with the logistics of buckling her in.  I finally get her in and take a look at her.  Her dark hair was matted against her head, her face pale, her eyes dull.

 I asked , “Are you all right?”

She vaguely replied with her eyes, “You are holding my spirit inside of you.  I will be much better if you can please give me back my spirit.”

I took a huge deep breath, filling my lungs completely and put my mouth on hers and force my breath into her body.  I blow and blow, without taking a breath myself.  As I blow, I look into her eyes and watch them grow brighter and brighter.  I watched her skin fluorish with vitality.  I continue to blow and blow and blow into her mouth, without taking a breath.

I jolted awake, breathless.  “Wow, what a dream!” I thought to herself.  I lay in bed, breathing deeply,  and reflected on the images that flowed through my mind, reminders of the very recent dream.  So real, so meaningful, I realized, as I attempted to put it together.  

I get up out of bed and make my way to the bathroom to begin my morning routine.  As I look in the mirror, I ponder what I observe looking back at me.  As I stood there, I thought about the woman in the dream, and suddenly realized that the woman in the car was me!  The woman was asking for her life to be given back to her.  I have had this power to give myself life all along, but it wasn’t until she asked and really wanted life, could I provide it to myself.   With a small grin, I remarked to myself that a man dragged me into the mud puddle, but he is now inconsequential to my living my life fully, and it is up to my how I proceed.  I realized implicitly the meaning of that!  It’s up to me to drag myself out of the mud, get myself into the car, buckle in for the ride, and blow the life back into myself!  Tingling with this great message, I vowed to myself, “There’s no going back to lifeless, this life is for me to live, it’s an adventure.”

However as the days pass, I begin to doubt myself.  How am I to move into this great new life full of vitality?  I don’t know how, how can I possibly do it on my own?  I become afraid of the future and what it means to live that life I feel I was meant to live.  I knows I’m full of life and vitality and that it needs to be expressed… but how?

Tools for Living?

Written March, 2011

Three dreams I had last night stand out clear enough to remember and contemplate.

In one dream I was getting ready to play tennis again after a long time away from the game.  Some adjustments needed to be made before I could play.  Specifically, the net needed to be lowered so it would be easier for me to get the ball over it.  A lot of time was spent on retying each side of the net in three specific places to the poles that were holding the net up.  It was important to tie them in the right places just for me.  At one point I even had to use a sweater I was wearing to fully tie the net in the right place.  I was fully present with the process of putting the net in the right place for me to play tennis again.  Finally I was ready to play.  In the dream I don’t recall actually playing tennis, but a little later in a dream reflection while I was still asleep I realized that there really isn’t any need to lower a tennis net to be able to hit a ball over it.  The net is low enough, and hitting a ball over it is actually very easy.  In that dream state I was asking myself, “for what purpose was all of that preparation and work?”  I will get back to this after I relay the other dreams.

In the next dream I was walking along a paved trail with several of my family members.  The trail ran along the edge of a cemetery in which there were dozens of burials happening or waiting to happen.  Most of the dead people waiting to be buried were not in coffins, it was a gruesome scene of dead bodies and grieving and lost souls.  Our group was aware of the burials, of the death all around us, but we were not part of it, and knew that we did not need to engross ourselves in it, and we continued to walk along the path.

Dreamcatcher in darkened sky

The third dream involved an older couple that was unfamiliar to me.  They had acquired a brand new “old timey” car.  It was large and black with smooth curves.  The couple had invited me to go somewhere with them, and we spent quite a bit of time getting into the car, making sure the doors would shut and not close anyone in them.  Also, in the front hood, there were spaces to put the food that the couple was taking to their event, so it would stay warm near the engine.  We got the food situated and the woman all tucked into her seat, and finally closed the door.  This happened several times. Meanwhile the man waited semi-patiently in the driver’s seat.  He was relatively anxious to get going.  He almost took off without making sure I was in the car safely in the back seat, after I’d spent a good amount of energy to ensure they were both comfortable and enclosed properly.

If there’s a common theme with these three dreams, it seems it would be about preparation, or preparing for things/events that don’t need so much time and energy for preparation.  Why all of the unnecessary adjusting for the tennis net to play again?  Why all of the preparation to get in this new old car and go somewhere I’m not sure of with these people I don’t know?  Why is the cemetery so full of people preparing to bury their loved ones?  Why am I so involved in the tennis net and car preparation and not at all in the burial preparation?

My thoughts on this are spiritual in nature.  If we are of Spirit and that is our true nature, but we have forgotten on this earthly plane, what do we really need to do to remember we are of Spirit, and live a Spirit-filled life?  If there is an awareness of this importance, our current collective consciousness seems to need tools to get us to that understanding and remembering.  Tools are great as long as we feel we need them.  By tools, I mean anything that helps us remember or reclaim or re-experience our Oneness with Source.  This could be through meditation, acupuncture, toning, bodywork, a walk in nature, going to church, reading inspiring works, and many others.  They all have inherent personal value as stepping stones to knowing our connection.

Ultimately we don’t need any of the tools, we just need to know we are connected, we are perfect, all of our needs are met, and we are fully loved.  It seems that many people spend a lot of time, energy, and money in tools to help them re-connect.  I am certainly no stranger to using tools, for I have many at my disposal, and I use them as an acupuncturist for these purposes to help others.  I often tell patients when I first see them (if I sense they are receptive), that acupuncture is merely a tool for helping people tap into their own energy, and healing themselves.  It’s an energy training of sorts, and ultimately people can, and hopefully will, learn to heal themselves, it is not only a gift through the acupuncturist or meditation leader, or whomever is holding the tools at the moment.

At some point, tools can become crutches, or maybe even obstacles to reaching our goals.  If all of my time and energy was spent on getting the net just right to make it easier to lob the ball, what happened to simply playing the game?  The same with the car trip to the unknown with all of the energy spent making sure we’re safe and secure, we never actually went anywhere.  This reminds of when I first learned some of the tools of Science of Mind/Religious Science, mainly the use of affirmations to realign my thinking and thoughts about myself and Life and things that didn’t appear to be working well.  I spent well over a year affirming over and over in my journal the affirmations I wanted to be true in my life, specifically about being in a happy and healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship.  Three whole pages every day were devoted to realigning my thoughts with affirmations.

Over a year later, I realized that I was trapped in the affirmations, the tool, and that by affirming what I wanted to be I was also affirming what I didn’t yet have. I was holding it all in place with the affirmations.  I immediately decided I was finished writing about it, and I was ready to live it.  With conviction, I let go of the tool and the affirmations, and my life began its whirlwind journey to where I am now, living the life those early affirmations and new thoughts set forth.  In the process I learned new tools, mainly meditation, acupuncture, colorpuncture, breathing, multi-incarnational sessions, and workshops that helped with each step when I felt I needed them.

woman sitting next to tennis net holding ball and racquet

If playing tennis is a metaphor for remembering my connection to my Source, and lowering the net is an unnecessary tool to make it easier to lob the ball over or to remember that connection, all I really need to do is start playing tennis and know my connection without a doubt in every moment.  No net preparation necessary.  This, to me, means living each moment knowing I’m connected to our Source, being as present as possible and sending and receiving Divine Love all the time, and not be attached to the tools that have helped me get to this point from the past.  Their only value is what I place on them currently and what I have placed on them in the past.  If I forget my connection and lose faith or trust, I imagine the tools are still there and could be useful for remembering to the extent that I feel I need them. 

I know in this third and fourth dimensional world so much is based on the physical, the scientific, the tangible, and that physical death seems like an incredible loss.  On the personality level, it is devastating the pain and grief and worry we go through when loved ones become ill or transition suddenly from this dimension to their soul’s next level, as they/we lay our bodies aside so that our souls are free.  In our society especially, there seems to be a lot of fear and sadness around death of the physical body.  On a soul level, however, this transition is a remembering, a celebration, a re-birthing into the beauty and connection with Source, and while the personality healing experiences are necessary for emotional healing and karmic re-balancing, they are not necessary for our soul’s remembering.    It seems a strange polar world we live in, and we always have the choice where we place our focus and intention.

Constantly Life is showing us that we have a choice of how to perceive the events that occur around us, and we can choose to propagate the  karma or lift out of it and love from a different place in our hearts. From choosing a new perspective, profound events have taken place in my life which, I feel, have propelled me further along the path of choosing from a conscious soul perspective rather than a personality perspective.  I am definitely not saying that my unconscious mind doesn’t still drive me to whatever extent, it will as long as I have this human form with an ego, but my conscious intention lay in the focus of conscious soul decisions that may override the karma that my ego has created in the past.

I’ve had a few “tool-free” spontaneous enlightening experiences, but have yet to experience Life fully lived (at least this lifetime) in constant, complete and utter knowing of my connection to my Source.  My life has come to a very consistent happy place, and yet I know there is an even deeper experience than celebrating the work and manifestations of my intention. I intend to look at what tools I’ve been using lately that may be keeping me “safe” and “stuck” in my current intentions and experiments, and discern what I’m ready to release and experience more deeply into knowing my connection with All That Is and what that means for my Life currently lived.

Copyright Darkening of the Light 2020